Dear Abby

 

My husband hasn`t worked for the last 14 years . All he does is get dressed
in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies . I know he`s
cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his grand daughters .

 

I know because he brags about this to me  . He smokes fancy cigars and
drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night .

 

We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian and my varicose veins and hairy back turn him off !

Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him , Abby ?
Your advice would be appreciated .....
         

Mad as Hell

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Mad as Hell,

 

You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man . I suggest you
pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p!   

 

Don`t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan , and try to act like a lady !

Remember ....... you`re running for President of the United States , so try
acting like one !

 

          Abby

 

WHY TO VOTE DEMOCRAT

Subject: Fw: Fwd: Ten reasons to vote Democrat by Letterman
>
>
>
>
> THESE ARE GREAT AND RIGHT ON
> TARGET!
>
>
> Ten reasons to vote Democrat by
> Letterman
>
>
> #10. I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now
> marry
> whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German
> Shepherd.
>
>
> #9. I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of
> 4% on a gallon
> of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon
> at 15% isn't.
>
>
> #8. I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a
> better
> job of spending the money I earn than I
> would.
>
>
> #7. I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long
> as
> nobody is offended by it.
>
>
> #6. I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a
> gun,
> and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from
> murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service
> that gets
> police to your home in order to identify your body after a home
> invasion.
>
>
> #5. I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of
> babies
> being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and
> comfy.
>
>
> #4. I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right
> to
> free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should
> take away Social Security from those who paid into
> it.
>
>
> #3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not
> be
> allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give
> the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees
> it.
>
>
> #2. I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to
> rewrite
> the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never
> get their agendas past the voters.
>
>
>
> … And, the #1 reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's
> better to
> pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own
> because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here
> in
> America. We
> don't care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those
> other
> countries.
>
>
> "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has
> its
> limits"… Albert Einstein
>
>
> I know you all will appreciate this
> definition.
>
> The best description of Obamacare so
> far:
>
> Remember when Nancy Pelosi said: “We have to pass it, to find
> out
> what's in it."
>
> A physician called into a radio show and said: "That's
> the
> definition of a stool sample."

NOT WORTH READING...

Well, I guess it just had to come to this sooner or later!

 

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"  

He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

------------------------------------  

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.  

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".  

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.  

------------------------------------  

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"  

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.  

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"  

---------------------------------  

A blond man is in jail; the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.  

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.  

"Hanging myself", the blond replies.  

"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.  

"I tried that", he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".  

------------------------------------  

An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blond man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."  

--------------------------------------  

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year".  

The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th".  

------------------------------------  

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.  

One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"  

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."  

------------------------------------  

A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."  

To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you, because I wasn't even at home yesterday!”

LAWYER SCREWS UP

Gotta Love this Policeman         A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!   So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.   The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.   When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.   The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"   Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.   On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.   Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"   Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."   Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"   "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."   "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"    "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."    "Aggressive and hostile?"    "Yes, Sir.   "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"   Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.  How often can one get an attorney to incriminate his own client?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DO YOU BELIEVE SEA LEVELS ARE RISING???

GO TO THESE WEB SITES TO CHECK IT OUT YOURSELF...

TIDE LEVELS FALLING 3-FEET IN 100-YEARS. Its about big corporations making billions constructing sea walls etc.. and taking money from you. 

http://tidesandcurrents.noaa.gov/sltrends/sltrends_station.shtml?stnid=9455500

http://tidesandcurrents.noaa.gov/sltrends/sltrends_station.shtml?stnid=9455760

http://tidesandcurrents.noaa.gov/sltrends/sltrends_station.shtml?stnid=9457292

Mean Sea Level Trend

9455500 Seldovia, Alaska

The mean sea level trend is -10.24 millimeters/year with a 95% confidence

interval of +/- 0.82 mm/yr based on monthly mean sea level data from

1964 to 2014 which is equivalent to a change of -3.36 feet in 100 years.

Mean Sea Level Trend
9455760 Nikiski, Alaska

Top of Form

The mean sea level trend is -10.52 millimeters/year with a 95% confidence
interval of +/- 1.11 mm/yr based on monthly mean sea level data from
1973 to 2014 which is equivalent to a change of -3.45 feet in 100 years

Bottom of Form

Mean Sea Level Trend
9457292 Kodiak Island, AlaskaTop of Form

The mean sea level trend is -10.77 millimeters/year with a 95% confidence
interval of +/- 0.91 mm/yr based on monthly mean sea level data from
1975 to 2014 which is equivalent to a change of -3.53 feet in 100 years.

FYI CO2 is a trace gas at .033% of our Atmosphere. If humans could some how double it would be .066% and still be a trace gas necessary to grow food.

Donald Trump joke

So, I was walking through the mall the other day and saw that there was a Muslim bookstore. I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.   As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.   I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"   The clerk said, get the Hell out and stay out!   I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

How to piss off everybody...

Politically Incorrect British Humor

 

...................................................................................................................................................

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting  in Tide washing powder to stop the coloureds from running.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists. Many are drug dealers.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London.  Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

============================================

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".

=============================================

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

=============================================

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low.

=============================================

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

=============================================

 

Another dumb lawyer joke...

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

  "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

  They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

  Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

  The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high

Larry the Cable Guy solves our problems

Direct Quote from "Larry, the Cable Guy"

THIS CABLE GUY HUMOR IS FUNNY BUT UNFORTUNATELY ITS TRUE! THE MAN'S A GENIUS!!! 

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida . .. .. . Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.

* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
> * Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
> * Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

> 

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
> Think about this:
> 1. Cows
> 2. The Constitution
> 3. The Ten Commandments

> 

COWS
> Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

> 

THE CONSTITUTION
> They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ....
> why don't we just give them ours?
> It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
> it has worked for over 200 years,
> and we're not using it anymore.

> 

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
> The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this --
> you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
> 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and
> 'Thou Shall Not Lie'
> in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians,
> it creates a hostile work environment.

> 

Also, think about this .....
> If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone --
> YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

Funny

I think all sports fans will get a kick out of this letter written to the Chicago Tribune....

No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this  is funny. This guy is hilarious…

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.

Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians.  If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for  the Confederacy?  No!  There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names.  Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los  Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children.  The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits.   Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go.  We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should.  Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.
As a die-hard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???)

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them.  As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins” to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Congress

President Obama uses Caitlyn Jenner as example of our country being 'more accepting' of who people 'truly are'

By Gina DiFalco, 6/26/2015

President Obama acknowledged our country’s progress when it comes to acceptance, bringing up Caitlyn Jenner’s recent transition as an example.

He attended the taping of Logo's Trailblazer Honors, where he made a moving speech about being accepting of the LGBT and transgender communities.

“When this network aired its first show, gay marriage was a political wedge issue used to divide us," he said of just 10 years ago. "Today the majority of Americans live in states where they can get married, no matter who they love. Today 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' is history.”

People reports he never mentioned Jenner by name, but mentioned her groundbreaking Vanity Fair cover.

“All you have to do is look at this month's cover of Vanity Fair to see how America is more accepting of people for who they truly are,” he continued.

Obama went on to call this progressive way of thinking a natural step. He said it shows “change is not just possible – change is inevitable.”

image from cover of Vogue

MEXICAN JUSTICE

Three women went down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation. They got drunk and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

 

They throw the switch and NOTHING HAPPENS! They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

 

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from Indiana University School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens AGAIN.  immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

 

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of West Virginia and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug that thing in.

__._,_.___

CONFUSED ABOUT SERVICE?

DEFINITION OF"SERVICE" I became confused when I heard the word " Service " being used with these agencies: 1, Internal Revenue "Service". 2, U.S. Postal "Service". 3, Telephone "Service". 4, Cable T.V. "Service". 5, Civil "Service". 6, State, City, County & Public"Service". 7, Customer "Service". This is not what I thought "Service"meant. But today I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows. BAM !!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing!!!!! www.GuardDogBooks.com

BIBLE INTERPRETED INCORRECTLY?

---------- Forwarded message ----------
 Date: Jun 12, 2015 5:54 AM
Subject: Marijuana and marriage ( regardless of human opinion legalizing gay marriage is invitation of judgment of God )
To: "Jeff Lee" < Cc: 

MARIJUANA AND MARRIAGE

For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed
two laws on the same day.
They legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized
on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned"

Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
 

Irish Joke

Square Testicles           This is a joke that is supposed to bring you the luck of the Irish. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.    The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked  the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.' The origin of this Irish story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky.   Do not keep this letter. And do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. Something good will happen to you in the next four days. If the chain is not broken, you will have good luck during the four days. Even if all you do is make someone laugh, send it on!    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * If you send this page to more than 5 people, you will have good luck for the next 5 years   in addition to the luck you will have within the next 4 days.