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Monday, April 30, 2012

Are your children having trouble in school?


To anyone who has worked with children, I think  you will like this one
1+2= 3

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to
imagine how their mind is working....

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In
short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In
the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home
with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was
hard at work. His mother was amazed when she called him down to dinner.To
her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a
word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This
went on for sometime, day after day, while the mother tried to understand
what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on
the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation,
His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in
math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and
said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she
replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT
WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school
when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling
around.'

 Have a wonderful day and God Bless

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Craig's List new listing...


Listing today on Craig's List:
You are probably not very interested in any used farm equipment, but
thought you might like to see this ad taken from Craig's List this
morning...

Fifty-year-old manure spreader - $1 (Washington, D.C.)

Date: 4-4-2012, 08:21AM EST
Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been
produced in Kenya. Used for a few years in Indonesia before being
smuggled into the US via Hawaii. Of questionable pedigree. Does not
appear to have ever been worked very hard. Apparently, it was pampered by various owners over the years. It does not work very often, but when it does, it can really spread the manure and sling it for amazing
distances. I am hoping to retire this manure spreader next November.
Nevertheless, I really do not want it hanging around getting in the
way. I would prefer a foreign buyer that is willing to relocate this
manure spreader out of the country. I would be willing to trade this
manure spreader for a nicely framed copy of the United States
Constitution .

Location: Oval Office -Washington, D.C.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Laughingstock of the world...



A doctor from France says: "In France , the medicine is so advanced that we
cut off a man's testicles; we put them onto another man, and in 6 weeks he
is looking for work.
"The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the
brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks
he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of
the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2
weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are
way behind us..in the USA .  About 3 years ago, we grabbed a person from
Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls..we made him President of the
United States, and now the whole damn country is looking for work."





Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Cardinal and Pelosi...



Catholic Mass- this will bring a smile to your face maybe.


Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., an aide wanted the Cardinal to call Nancy Pelosi a saint. 


The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."  
Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the  congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.” 
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." 



As Pelosi's aide promised, Nancy Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Ms.Pelosi was present. 
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Ms. Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip- flop on many other issues.  Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self -absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever  personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington , and in California . The woman is simply not to be trusted." 



The Cardinal  concluded,  "But, when compared with President Obama, Ms. Pelosi is a saint."

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Elderly Golfer


An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.


As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:


COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00


Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.


She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.


“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”




The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”


She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”


The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

Thursday, April 5, 2012

GUNSHOT TO THE HEAD

Gunshot to the Head. Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008.  SO..., it was determined to be Bush's fault.