Obamacare joke

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes her clothes off, climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon completion the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, " They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross.

They have Obama Care."

Jokes that can be told in Church...

****JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH****

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
After hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
All this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
Whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
Of happiness,
And today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
Their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
On a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
They give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
Scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
He calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words

on a piece of paper. He calls it a sermon, and it

takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male
Pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
Service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own
Mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments

With her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy
Father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
Treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God
Created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
Told him
How Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
Down as though he were ill,
And she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little
Johnny responded,
'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have
A wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~


You don't stop laughing because you grow old..
You grow old because you stop laughing!
We need something to start the day happy.
"They" haven't found a way to tax you for
Laughing yet.

2-MILLION YEAR OLD MAN / APE mixture

Scientists are still trying to prove evolution is a fact while ignoring the obvious. Obviously Earth has been reseeded many times after each of six different extinctions. Evolution cannot account for the diversity of the 30-million or so different species we now have.  There were probably more like 40-million species dropped off on Earth after the flood. Since the time of Noah many of them have become extinct.  We have been looked after, nurtured and watched ever since...

JOHANNESBURG (Reuters) - A 2 million-year-old ancestor of man had a mixture of ape and human-like features that allowed it to hike vast distances on two legs with as much ease as it could scurry up trees, according to research published on Friday.

Discovered in cave near Johannesburg in 2008, the fossils of a species named "Australopithecus sediba" have given researchers clues about the evolution of man and which traits in our ancestors fell by the wayside.

Standing about 1.3 meters (4 ft) tall, sediba had a narrow rib cage similar to apes but a flexible spine more similar to that of a human. Its long arms and powerful torso helped in climbing, according to the research published in the journal Science.

Sediba's small heel resembled a chimpanzee's and it walked with an inward rotation of the knee and hip on slightly twisted feet with a flat-footed gait that would have helped it cover ground, the researchers said.

"It is the perfect compromise of something that has the need to walk on the ground efficiently for long distances. At the same time, it is a very capable climber," said Lee Berger, project leader at the Wits Evolutionary Studies Institute in South Africa.

The researchers plan further studies to see how these fossils of early human relatives known as hominin compare to other remains, to help put together the pieces of evolution.

"We have more complete specimens of fossils than for any other early hominin species that has ever been discovered. What this means is that we can make assessments of the anatomy and behavior of this species with a great deal of confidence," Berger told Reuters.

(Reporting by Jon Herskovitz; Editing by Robin Pomeroy)

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates... As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on               earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'


St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can               answer.'


So the zebra went off in search of God.


When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white               stripes?'


God simply replied 'You are what you               are.'


The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'


The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''


St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black               stripes..'


The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'


'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black               with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is..'


WARNING: If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Obama will be comin after yo white ass!!!

Are your children having trouble in school?

To anyone who has worked with children, I think  you will like this one
1+2= 3

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to
imagine how their mind is working....

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In
short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In
the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home
with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was
hard at work. His mother was amazed when she called him down to dinner.To
her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a
word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This
went on for sometime, day after day, while the mother tried to understand
what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on
the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation,
His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in
math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and
said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she
replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT
WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school
when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling
around.'

 Have a wonderful day and God Bless

IS THERE A GOD?

IS THERE A GOD?

            William James wrote in his 1902 book, The Verities of Religious Experience. “We cannot live or think at all without some degree of faith. The only escape from faith is mental nullity,” he wrote. He took issue with Clifford and Huxley on the question of scientific evidence and Huxley referred to faith as the “lowest depth of immorality.”

            “By being religious we establish ourselves in possession of ultimate reality at the only points at which reality is given to us to guard. Our responsible concern is with our private destiny, after all.” --William James-- January 11, 1842—August 1910

            If you believe the Bible has some validity at all then you have to agree that GOD created man in his image. To be more precise “Let ‘us’ create men in our image.” If this is true then GOD must have crated man with a brain. He obviously wanted some one to talk to and relate to—possibly bounce various concepts off from—possibly even aspire—to sit on his right hand--to be like GOD himself or herself.

            The major problems in the world today are caused by mankind who refuses to use the brain that GOD gave him. Organized religion demands that man submit his soul, brain, body, morals and all their money. Please don’t drink the Cool aid!  

            If one were to use basic reasoning then they would have to concur that after God created everything including man and gave man the ability to communicate through prayers then God might get tired of all the static entering his brain day and night. He or she might retire to a place where the praying wouldn’t disturb and he or she could get on with their work of creating taking care of the rest of the universe.

            The fact is God created everything out of a priori state of matter known as M-state or Philosopher’s Stone. It is also known as the sacred Hebrew MAKZT powder. It is a large complicated yet stable atom composed of lots of protons in the center and a Cooper Paired electron cloud orbiting in opposite directions. This creates an inter-dimensional time field extending beyond the outer electron orbit and this time field tends to synchronize with other time fields throughout the universe. These particles exist everywhere and don’t attract to gravity because they exist in a different space time. Their  large number of protons and large size makes it possible to add or remove protons to make different elements because the atomic forces holding them together are quite weak compared to third dimensional matter.

            Plants take these atoms out of the soil by dissolving them with alkaline solutions secreted from their roots. With UV photons they transmute them into the necessary elements for cell division. We eat the plants and these large atoms assist the mitochondria in our body cells to manufacture the necessary elements for our cell division. Because they are so large they go through the blood brain barrier combine with fats and never leave the brain. Over time we collect more of them. Scientists have done metallic assays on dried, sheep and cow brains to discover they are 5% platinum and gold.

              Their physical shape with all the electrons orbiting in a ring passing each other at twice light speed cause them to reproduce magnetic fields with no loss of power therefore they fit the technical definition of a room temperature super conductor in that they magnetically resonate with other atoms.

            If the human body were to use electrons to send messages it wouldn’t work. Each time an electron is passed on it gives off two infrared photons causing mass loss. A ping pong player could not hit the ball sending messages with electrons. It is done with super conducing magnetic fields of high frequency. It works with Planck’s Constant E=HF where energy = Planck’s Constant times frequency.

            We are truly inter-dimensional beings but few of us understand this. Our thoughts manifest third dimensional reality. Keep in mind that the food we eat affects our thoughts and our ability to manipulate our reality. 

Our hopes and prayers come true because God left these particles behind that respond to our brain waves. These are same particles that he used to create the Universe. Are you ready to take the blue pill? Would you like to try something that could cure all disease through perfect cell division and increase your lifespan? My book, Philosopher’s Stone contains seven recipes to make the white-powder-of-gold in your kitchen It is used for cell division in plants as well as animals. You can water your plants with it or put it in your food. There recipes are worth millions if you are dying from cancer or other terminal disease. www.Guarddogbooks.com