Another dumb lawyer joke...

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

  "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

  They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

  Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

  The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high

HOW TO START A FIGHT

HOW TO START A FIGHT 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift 
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. 
When she asked me why, I replied, 
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" 
And that's how the fight started..... 
________________________________ 

 

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. 
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 
'No,' she answered. 
I then said,'Is that your final answer?' 
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' 
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." 
And that's when the fight started... 
________________________________ 

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. 
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." 
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" 
"Nah, she can order for herself." 
And that's when the fight started..... 
_______________________________ 

 

My wife at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?" 
"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" 
And then the fight started... 
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When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." 
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. 
______________________________ 

 

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. 
She asked, "What's on TV?" 
I said, "Lots of dust." 
And then the fight started... 
________________________________ 

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. 
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds." 
I bought her a bathroom scale. 
And then the fight started...... 
______________________________ 

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits. 
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. 
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started... 
________________________________ 

 

My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror. 
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, 
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." 
That's when the fight began . . . 
________________________________ 

 

I rear-ended a car this morning . . . 
the start of a really bad day! 
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! 
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' 
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

PILOT JOKE

 This is Air Traffic Control-------

This is the story of the blond flying in a two-seater airplane with
just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies.

She, frantically calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help
me! My pilot had a heart attack and he's dead and I don't know how to
fly."

Help me!  Please help me!”

She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control,
retired Marine fighter pilot, and I have you loud and clear. I will
talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot
of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath.
Everything will be fine!"

"Now give me your height and position.”

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama.”
"O.K." says the voice on the radio...."Repeat after me: Our Father,
who art in heaven.....".

IS THERE A GOD?

IS THERE A GOD?

            William James wrote in his 1902 book, The Verities of Religious Experience. “We cannot live or think at all without some degree of faith. The only escape from faith is mental nullity,” he wrote. He took issue with Clifford and Huxley on the question of scientific evidence and Huxley referred to faith as the “lowest depth of immorality.”

            “By being religious we establish ourselves in possession of ultimate reality at the only points at which reality is given to us to guard. Our responsible concern is with our private destiny, after all.” --William James-- January 11, 1842—August 1910

            If you believe the Bible has some validity at all then you have to agree that GOD created man in his image. To be more precise “Let ‘us’ create men in our image.” If this is true then GOD must have crated man with a brain. He obviously wanted some one to talk to and relate to—possibly bounce various concepts off from—possibly even aspire—to sit on his right hand--to be like GOD himself or herself.

            The major problems in the world today are caused by mankind who refuses to use the brain that GOD gave him. Organized religion demands that man submit his soul, brain, body, morals and all their money. Please don’t drink the Cool aid!  

            If one were to use basic reasoning then they would have to concur that after God created everything including man and gave man the ability to communicate through prayers then God might get tired of all the static entering his brain day and night. He or she might retire to a place where the praying wouldn’t disturb and he or she could get on with their work of creating taking care of the rest of the universe.

            The fact is God created everything out of a priori state of matter known as M-state or Philosopher’s Stone. It is also known as the sacred Hebrew MAKZT powder. It is a large complicated yet stable atom composed of lots of protons in the center and a Cooper Paired electron cloud orbiting in opposite directions. This creates an inter-dimensional time field extending beyond the outer electron orbit and this time field tends to synchronize with other time fields throughout the universe. These particles exist everywhere and don’t attract to gravity because they exist in a different space time. Their  large number of protons and large size makes it possible to add or remove protons to make different elements because the atomic forces holding them together are quite weak compared to third dimensional matter.

            Plants take these atoms out of the soil by dissolving them with alkaline solutions secreted from their roots. With UV photons they transmute them into the necessary elements for cell division. We eat the plants and these large atoms assist the mitochondria in our body cells to manufacture the necessary elements for our cell division. Because they are so large they go through the blood brain barrier combine with fats and never leave the brain. Over time we collect more of them. Scientists have done metallic assays on dried, sheep and cow brains to discover they are 5% platinum and gold.

              Their physical shape with all the electrons orbiting in a ring passing each other at twice light speed cause them to reproduce magnetic fields with no loss of power therefore they fit the technical definition of a room temperature super conductor in that they magnetically resonate with other atoms.

            If the human body were to use electrons to send messages it wouldn’t work. Each time an electron is passed on it gives off two infrared photons causing mass loss. A ping pong player could not hit the ball sending messages with electrons. It is done with super conducing magnetic fields of high frequency. It works with Planck’s Constant E=HF where energy = Planck’s Constant times frequency.

            We are truly inter-dimensional beings but few of us understand this. Our thoughts manifest third dimensional reality. Keep in mind that the food we eat affects our thoughts and our ability to manipulate our reality. 

Our hopes and prayers come true because God left these particles behind that respond to our brain waves. These are same particles that he used to create the Universe. Are you ready to take the blue pill? Would you like to try something that could cure all disease through perfect cell division and increase your lifespan? My book, Philosopher’s Stone contains seven recipes to make the white-powder-of-gold in your kitchen It is used for cell division in plants as well as animals. You can water your plants with it or put it in your food. There recipes are worth millions if you are dying from cancer or other terminal disease. www.Guarddogbooks.com