Irish Joke

Square Testicles           This is a joke that is supposed to bring you the luck of the Irish. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.    The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked  the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.' The origin of this Irish story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky.   Do not keep this letter. And do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. Something good will happen to you in the next four days. If the chain is not broken, you will have good luck during the four days. Even if all you do is make someone laugh, send it on!    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * If you send this page to more than 5 people, you will have good luck for the next 5 years   in addition to the luck you will have within the next 4 days.

DEMOCRAT JOKE

My Mommy The  Dancer.

  

One day a  fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a  living.

All the  typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor,  lawyer, and so forth.

However,  little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the  teacher  

prodded him about his mother, he replied, "Well  my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front  of men and they put money in her under-wear. Sometimes, if the offer is really  good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for  money."

The teacher,  obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on  some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really  true about your mother?"

No," the boy  said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get  Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that  in front of the other kids."

 

PILOT JOKE

 This is Air Traffic Control-------

This is the story of the blond flying in a two-seater airplane with
just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies.

She, frantically calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help
me! My pilot had a heart attack and he's dead and I don't know how to
fly."

Help me!  Please help me!”

She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control,
retired Marine fighter pilot, and I have you loud and clear. I will
talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot
of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath.
Everything will be fine!"

"Now give me your height and position.”

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama.”
"O.K." says the voice on the radio...."Repeat after me: Our Father,
who art in heaven.....".

MILITARY HUMOR

Marine Corps Rules: 

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one. 
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough. 
3. Have a plan. 
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work. 
5. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you
meet. 
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start
with a '4.' 
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life
is expensive. 
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and
diagonal preferred.) 
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. 
10. Flank your adversary. When possible, protect yours. 
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. 
12. In ten years, nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived. 
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to
shoot.. 

Navy SEAL Rules: 

1. Look very cool in sunglasses. 
2. Kill every living thing in sight. 
3. Adjust Speedo. 
4. Check hair in mirror. 

US Army Rangers' Rules: 

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving. 
2. Locate individuals requiring killing. 
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing. 
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted. 
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving. 

US Army Rules: 

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order. 
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee. 
3. Curse bitterly. 
4. Curse bitterly. 
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed. 
6. Curse bitterly. 

US Air Force Rules: 

1. Have a cocktail. 
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner. 
3. See what's on HBO. 
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?' 
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point
presentation. 
6. Wine and dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD and defense industry
executives. 
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets. 
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally. 
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.

10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict, but close
enough to have tax exemption. 
11 Always have ICE CREAM

( And I Love This Next One) 

US Navy Rules: 

1. Go to Sea. 
2. Drink Coffee

3, Insert SEALS

4, Deploy Marines, 

5, Launch Aircraft and Missiles 350 miles away from fighting

5, Drink more Coffee
Go Navy! 

And the next... (You've got to love the military, and God bless them all.) 

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts) 

The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval
installations in the Middle East . 
(It was obviously directed at the Marines.) 

To: All Commands 
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts 

Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K 

All commanders promulgate upon receipt:

The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn, on or off base, by any
military, or civilian personnel, serving in the Middle East: 

1. 'Eat Pork or Die' 
[Both English and Arabic versions]

2. 'Shrine Busters' 
[Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting
Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

3. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more.' 
[Both English and Arabic versions]

4. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' 

[Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope
cross-hairs.]

5. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' 


6. 'Pork. The other white meat.' 

7. 'Infidel' 

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of
this directive.

In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this
message:

1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800
Daily.'

2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?'

All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.

Worst joke of all time...

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called "Bomb Jovi".

They were brilliant. Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.

I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"

Well, that was when the fight started!