Popular Posts

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Garfield on the oil shortage.



































A lot of  folks can't understand how we came    to  have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~ 
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~ 
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~ 
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~ 
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~ 
Our OIL is located in:
~~~ 
ALASKA 
~~~ 
California 
~~~ 
Coastal Florida 
~~~ 
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Coastal Alabama
~~~~
Coastal Mississippi
~~~~ 
Coastal Texas
~~~ 
North Dakota 
~~~ 
Wyoming 
~~~ 
Colorado 
~~~ 
Kansas 
~~~ 
Oklahoma 
~~~ 
Pennsylvania 
~~~
And 
Texas 
    ~~~ 
Our dipsticks are located  in DC 
~~~ 
Any Questions? 
   
     NO? Didn't think so.

   

Saturday, February 25, 2012

DON'T BLAME ME FOR THIS ONE...

> >Sad but true.....
> >
> >How the world works lately...
> >
> >If a man cuts his finger off while
> >Slicing salami at work,
> >He blames the restaurant.
> >
> >If you smoke three packs a day
> >For 40 years and die of lung cancer,
> >Your family blames the
> >Tobacco company.
> >
> >If your neighbor crashes
> >Into a tree while driving home drunk,
> >He blames the bartender.
> >
> >If your grandchildren are
> >Brats without manners,
> >You blame television.
> >
> >If your friend is shot by a
> >Deranged madman,
> >You blame the gun manufacturer..
> >
> >And if a crazed person breaks
> >Into the cockpit and
> >Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet,
> >And the passengers
> >Kill him instead,
> >The mother of the crazed deceased
> >Blames the airline.
> >
> >I must have lived too long to
> >Understand the world
> >As it is anymore.
> >
> >So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED BUTT
> >
> >Is parked in front of this computer,
> >I want all of you to
> >Blame Bill Gates .
> >
> >Have a nice day

Friday, February 24, 2012

Reason why Queen Nancy wants to retire.


As a result of a Judicial Watch filing under the Freedom of Information Act, the USAF released documents detailing House Speaker Pelosi's use of United States Air Force aircraft between March 2009 and June 2010. The data are published in the Judicial Watch Verdictof December 2010, Volume 16, Issue 12.
Here are the main highlights revealed by the USAF. Keep in mind that all the data below relate to United States Air Force aircraft used by one woman over a sixteen month period.
Several of these flights included Ms Pelosi's guests such as grown children, grandchildren, various in-laws, friends, and hangers-on. Over 95% of the trips were between the west coast and Washington , DC or what we might call a commute between home and the office. READ it and WEEP!!
Total trips: 85 trips over a 68 week period or 1.25 average trips per week.
Total mileage: 206,264 miles or 2,427 average miles per trip
Total flying time: 428.6 hours or an average of 5 hrs per trip
Cost to the taxpayers: $2,100,744.59 or $27,715.00 per trip or $1,285,162.00 per year
Cost of in flight food and alcohol: $101,429.14 or $1,193.00 per trip or $62,051.00 per year.

On one junket to Baghdad, according to the Air Force report, she had the aircraft bar stocked with Johnny Walker Red Scotch, Grey Goose Vodka, E&J Brandy, Bailey's Irish Creme, Maker's Mark Whiskey, Courvoisier Cognac, Bacardi Rum, Jim Beam Whiskey, Beefeater Gin, Dewars Scotch, Bombay Sapphire Gin, Jack Daniels Whiskey, Corona Beer and several varieties of wine. This was obviously a very important "gubment bidness" trip.

Evidence generally speaks for itself, and in Ms. Pelosi's case it speaks the language of abuse and (evidently) a serious familial drinking problem, for in a single year she and her spawn drank an amount in excess of the net income of the average employed American! When she said, "... If the stimulus doesn't pass, five hundred million people might lose their jobs...", I thought she was unintentionally revealing her ignorance. I'm now more inclined to think she was pickled.


Even though she can no longer abuse the USAF, she can either fly on her broom, or fly Southwest Airlines, where bags fly free.

If you are an AMERICAN citizen it is YOUR DUTY to PASS THIS ON!!

DARWIN AWARDS


DARWIN AWARDS 
You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2011 Darwin Awards: 


Eighth Place


In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.                   


Seventh Place


A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned while he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run. 


Sixth Place 


While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. 


Fifth Place


Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. 


Fourth Place


Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. 


Third Place


After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. 


The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.                   


HONORABLE MENTION 


Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed. 


RUNNER UP 


Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located. 


AND THE WINNER IS....


Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up                   pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.


The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens' 

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING                   THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

MORE BAD HUMOR


Microchip Implant allows Islamic terrorists (or any religious fanatic terrorist) to speak to God.


The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.
When properly installed, it will allow the terrorist to speak to God.


The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection. No anesthetic is required.


The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches and pains are extremely temporary.


Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, you won't even notice it.


The implant comes in various sizes: Generally from .223 to .50 cal.
































Monday, February 20, 2012

Bad Joke


Sent: Monday, February 20, 2012 10:28 AM

Subject: FW: WHAT THE FIRE CHIEF SAID

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
Not fair to make judgment of this, until you see what the Fire Chief
says!!!!

In South Los Angeles , a 4-plex home was destroyed by a fire.

A Mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members, Lived on
the first floor, they died.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, All illegally in the country from
Kenya , lived on the second floor, And they, too, all perished in the fire.

6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Bangers, & ex-cons, Lived on the 3rd floor and they,
too, died.

A lone, white couple lived on the top floor.
The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious!!They flew into LA
and met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know, Why
the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics, All died in the fire and why only
the White couple lived?

The Fire Chief said, "They were at work"

This has just got to keep on circulating...it's too good....

HR 808 Is this joke?


HR 808 for the Dept. of Peace (new) and they want to change the Gospel and make all the religions all equal and I knew the world was going to end if Obama won the election. ...

ThePeaceAlliance.org – Announces on Monday, October 26 2009 Ana Campos, Board Member & Jason Frost who has been rallying support for US Department of Peace, along with notable Politicians & Celebrities will present Official Federal HR-808 Proposal.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

PRLog (Press Release) - Oct 24, 2009 -
Miami Beach, FL (ALL MEDIA OUTLETS) October, 24 2009 -- http://www.ThePeaceAlliance.org - Proudly announces that on Monday, October 26 2009 Ana Campos, Board Member and Petitioner who has been rallying support for a United States Department of Peace, along with many notable Politicians and Celebrities will present Official Federal HR-808 Proposal to the President of the United States.

Department of Peace volunteers across the nation have managed to continually support Ana Campos and the many other people involved in this effort to establish a United States Department of Peace. Senator Nelson, our 3 Florida Congressional Cosponsors, 7 additional Members of Congress, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are all potential strong supporters in this effort to pass this Bill. This is a chance to speak and remind to President Obama about the bill he once showed avid interest in, while running for President.

Neighboring supporter Jason Frost of A Frosty J Productions (ASCAP) – FrostyJ.com -has been championing the cause much like Ana Campos for nearly a decade applying pressure to get this Bill passed with help from powerful and influential associates in the Hollywood & New York City Arts and Film Community. Notable supporters include recently Actor turned Rapper Joaquin Phoenix, Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and many more as listed on ThePeaceAlliance.org website. A Music compilation to support and raise money for this cause is also in the works with more information and artists involved in the Peace project to help further inform the public.

In the 1990s Jason Frost first began working towards establishing peaceful conflict resolutions through the use of Music and Entertainment that focused on the positive aspects to a diverse and multi-cultural society; organizing concerts and events that promoted peace and unity among various peoples, groups and races holding multiple conflicts. With the advent of the Internet people like Jason Frost and Board Member Ana Campos have been able to reach far more supporters than in pre Internet years. It is the opinion of everyone involved that we are very close to finally establishing a US Dept of Peace. An integral addition to already strong domestic resolution policies as established and set in motion by the Clinton staff of the 1990s.

This is about the war in our own communities and what can we do federally and locally to help prevent crime and violence.

This Federal US Department of Peace would primarily work to prevent violence domestically (domestic abuse, child and elderly abuse, gang violence, hate crimes, homicides and battery) at it’s root causes –not just continue to apply band aids. It would bring tools of violence prevention (peer mediation, nonviolent communication, conflict resolution) into all school systems(K -12) to aid Teachers and Students.

At the end of the day, the US Department of Peace would creates a seat for violence prevention, for the first time in the President’s Cabinet of Advisors which will serve to advise him on their expertise on the latest cutting edge techniques in conflict resolution, violence prevention, diplomacy, mediation, and community based strategy programs on crime prevention. A copy of the most recent Bill is available for review at ThePeaceAlliance.org along with links to donate, get stickers, t-shirts and support this very important cause that affects us all.

The Presidential Event is in Miami Beach this Monday.

Ana Campos

Board Member, The Peace Alliance
South Florida State Organizer
U.S. Department of Peace Campaign
Email: ACampos_2001@yahoo.com

Jason Frost
Volunteer Supporter, The Peace Alliance
A Frosty J Productions (ASCAP) – FrostyJ.com
U.S. Department of Peace Campaign
Email: JFrost_1994@sunservers.net

National Website: http://www.ThePeaceAlliance.org
DoPeace Website: http://DoPEACE.ning.com

# # #

At our helm is Jason Frost, who has the experience, dedication, entrepreneurial leadership and respect of some of the most well known names in the music and film industry today. Our staffed network consists of creative and professional audio sound and visual engineering specialists ready to meet any project deadline and exceed your very best expectations. We also retain a staff of highly skilled musicians as part of our own in-house songwriting and composing team so that we can arm you with newer sounds, fresher beats and better background music than the competition. A Frosty J Productions (ASCAP) is growing everyday and is already part of a largely expanding network of newly created partnerships extending into the areas of film, TV, radio, soundtracking, production, promotion, manufacturing, distribution, photography, press relations, artist development, personal management and career goal services for actors/models/bands interested.

www.GuardDogBooks.com

Saturday, February 18, 2012

The jokes on us.




WE ARE IN TROUBLE

>The population of this country is 300 million.
>
160 million are retired.
>
> That leaves 140 million to do the work.
>
> There are 85 million in school which leaves 55 million to do the work.
>
> Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
>
> Leaving 20 million to do the work.
>
> 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
>
> Which leaves 17.2  million to do the work.
>
> Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city
> Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
>
> At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
>
> Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
>
> Now, there are 1,211,998 people
> in prisons.
>
> That leaves just two people to do the
> work.
>
> You and me.



JOKES:  PG 13
Grandma's Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted..

Pub Talk
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 I  just took a leaflet out of my letterbox, informing me that there's no reason I can't have good sex at 66!
I am so happy, because I live at no. 55..... so it's not far to walk home afterwards

Dirty Jokes


JOKES:  PG 13
 
I LOVE THIS WOMAN

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
  I just bought this hat yesterday!"

 
 
Let me get this straight . . . .
We're going to be "gifted" with a health care
plan we are
forced to purchase and
fined if we don't,
Which purportedly covers at least
ten million more people,
without adding
a single new doctor,
but provides for
16,000 new IRS agents,
written by a committee whose chairman
says he
doesn't understand it,
passed by a Congress that didn't read it but
exempted themselves from it,
and signed by a President who smokes,
with funding administered by a treasury chief who
didn't pay his taxes,
for which we'll be taxed for four years before any
benefits take effect
,
by a government which has
already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare,
all to be overseen by a surgeon general
who is
obese,
and financed by a country that's broke!!!!!
'What could
possibly go wrong
?'





PHONE REPAIR

Lawrence , Kansas
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by

pissing and moaning.

www.GuardDogBooks.com

BIKER JOKES PG 13


JOKES:  PG 13
Why Worry:

There are really only two things in life to worry about: either you are sick, or you are well.

If you are well, you have nothing to worry about.

If you are sick, there are only two things to worry about: either you get better, or you die.

If you get better, you have nothing to worry about.

If you die, you only have two things to worry about: either you will go to Heaven, or you will go to Hell.

If you go to Heaven, you have nothing to worry about.

If you go to Hell...you will be so busy catching up with old friends, you won't have time to worry!




The new employee!

Charlie, a newly retired employee at the local B&Q store, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10 or 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company, obviously epitomizing their 'Older Person Friendly' policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a chat.
"Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a great job, but your arriving a few minutes late so often is becoming quite a problem."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player and I like to hear that members of our team can recognize their shortcomings and tackle them. It does however seem odd to me that you come in late so very often when I know you recently retired from the armed forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They would say, 'Good morning Admiral, would you like some coffee now, sir?'."


HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.  Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.. He agreed, but he didn't say much.. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

Harley wouldn't start today, can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.

www.AlaskaPublishing.com  and    www.GuardDogBooks.com

OLD JOKES


JOKES:  PG 13
Parrot
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem:

The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Not the same hat!"
 "Flowers are under the table."
 "All the cards are the ace of spades"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

"OK, I give up. Where's the f****** ship?"





 
During a recent password audit, a company IT discovered a blond was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital.





 
 
David McClure from the Dallas News Community Opinion page.


$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK ! I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet, a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo! Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror!
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found!

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" but all I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake!" I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK! My grandfather does stuff like this all the time!"


All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast!

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home! 









-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today..

The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced two years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been microwaved
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They don't know who Mork was or Mindy or where he was from..

They never heard: 'Where's the beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ', or 'de plane Boss, de plane'.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. 





www.GuardDogbooks.com and www.AlaskaPublishing.com

ONE BIG JOKE






JOKES:  PG 13
THE COLLEGE STUDENT CAUGHT HELL FOR THAT ONE.

'You know you're a Redneck when......  
 
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.  
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean ?
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements

MORE JOKES -- ONLY DUMBER


This one about sums it up perfectly................
   
Five surgeons are talking.

The first, an Ontario surgeon, says: " I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered. "
 
The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds: " Yeah, but you should try electricians.  Everything inside of them is color coded. "
 
The third, a B.C. surgeon, says: " No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside of them is in alphabetical order. "
 
The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in: " You know, I like construction workers.  Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.
"
But the fifth, a Newfoundlander, shut them all up when he observed," You're all wrong.  
Politicians are the easiest to operate on.  
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable. "

What’s the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent man?

Bigfoot has been spotted several times.

Boy, was Obama pissed... 

This is mythical and deep. Truly beautiful...

A  man asked an American Indian what was his wife' name.
He replied, "She called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The  Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name.
It mean... 
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!



 
Neither Hare Nor There
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, Pulls over and gets out of his car to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man, “What's wrong?”
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and killed him."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can and then walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again until he finally hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says,

Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
Last chance
OK, here it is
It says, "Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."



NINE JOKES


jOKES:  G
GOLF
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle ....and followed by a good bottle of cold beer.

Aaah.....Golf! You hit downward to make the ball go up. You swing left ...and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, and on top of that, the winner has to buy the drinks

Golf is harder than baseball ...because in golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is most likely in BIG trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot ....rarely ever make a perfect shot.

The term "mulligan" is really a convenient contraction of the phrase "maul it again."

A "gimme" can best be defined as a mutual agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting fact about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all ...you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider playing this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you!!

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work , and both are migthty expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' golf bag ....is the pencil.
 
Jewish Poker
    Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand. He lets out an audible gasp, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table while the next hand is being dealt out.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing out the hand while standing up.

    Finally, Finklestien looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife? She can get pretty ugly, you know..."

    And, in true gamblers fashion, they cut the cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the bad news. The other fellows tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

    "Discreet? Discreet, you say??? Hey, I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

So..... Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' 

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
                    
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
              
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
   

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there", replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'. 

Court Testimony:
 
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..
 
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
 asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the....' 

'I didn't ask for any details',
 the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had?just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.



Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
 

'Now what the F*ck would you have said?
 



Letter to God:
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those idiots at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna





The Towel
Stepping out of the shower one morning, a beautiful young woman wraps herself in a towel and tells her husband it's his turn to use the shower. Just then, the doorbell rings. She goes downstairs to the door, and it's their neighbor Bill, whose jaw drops at the sight of the lovely bride wrapped in only a towel. He pulls two hundred-dollar bills out of his pocket and says they're hers if she'll drop the towel to her waist.
"We could really use the $200.00," she thinks and drops the towel a few inches.
Bill gasps at the sight and pulls out two more hundred-dollar bills and offers them to her too if she'll drop the towel altogether.

"Well, I've already compromised myself, and we COULD use the money," she thinks. She lets the towel fall to the floor. Bill takes a good look, thanks her, hands over the money, and leaves. She closes the door and goes back upstairs, just as her husband is getting out of the shower. He asks,
"Who was it, Honey?"
When she tells him it was Bill, he asks, "Did he say anything about the
$400.00 he owes me?"

Grand Children:

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...



2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"







HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES



Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton







This is interesting, worth reading:
EXTRACT FROM DOUG COPP'S ARTICLE ON THE 'TRIANGLE OF LIFE'

My name is Doug Copp. I am the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of the American Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world's most experienced rescue team. The information in this article will save lives in an earthquake.

I have crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings, worked with rescue teams from 60 countries, founded rescue teams in several countries, and I am a member of many rescue teams from many countries.

I was the United Nations expert in Disaster Mitigation for two years. I have worked at every major disaster in the world sinc e 1985, except for simultaneous disasters.

The first building I ever crawled inside of was a school in Mexico City during the 1985 earthquake. Every child was under its desk. Every child was crushed to the thickness of their bones. They could have survived by lying down next to their desks in the aisles. It was obscene, unnecessary and I wondered why the children were not in the aisles. I didn't at the time know that the children were told to hide under something. I am amazed that even today schools are still using the "Duck and Cover" instructions- telling the children to squat under their desks with their heads bowed and covered with their hands. This was the technique used in the Mexico City school.

Simply stated, when buildings collapse, the weight of the ceilings falling upon the objects or furniture inside crushes these objects, leaving a space or void next to them. This space is what I call the 'triangle of life'. The larger the object, the stronger, the less i t will compact. The less the object compacts, the larger the void, the greater the probability that the person who is using this void for safety will not be injured. The next time you watch collapsed buildings, on television, count the 'triangles' you see formed. They are everywhere. It is the most common shape, you will see, in a collapsed building.

TIPS FOR EARTHQUAKE SAFETY

1) Almost everyone who simply 'ducks and covers' when buildings collapse ARE CRUSHED TO DEATH. People who get under objects, like desks or cars, are crushed.

2) Cats, dogs and babies often naturally curl up in the fetal position. You should too in an earthquake. It is a natural safety/survival instinct. That position helps you survive in a smaller void. Get next to an object, next to a sofa, next to a large bulky object that will compress slightly but leave a void next to it.

3) Wooden buildings are the safest type of construction to be in during an earthquake. Wood is flexib le and moves with the force of the earthquake. If the wooden building does collapse, large survival voids are created. Also, the wooden building has less concentrated, crushing weight. Brick buildings will break into individual bricks. Bricks will cause many injuries but less squashed bodies than concrete slabs. Concrete slab buildings are the most dangerous during an earthquake.

4) If you are in bed during the night and an earthquake occurs, simply roll off the bed. A safe void will exist around the bed. Hotels can achieve a much greater survival rate in earthquakes, simply by posting a sign on the back of the door of every room telling occupants to lie down on the floor, next to the bottom of the bed during an earthquake.

5) If an earthquake happens and you cannot easily escape by getting out the door or window, then lie down and curl up in the fetal position next to a sofa, or large chair.

6) Almost everyone who gets under a doorway when buildings collapse i s kill ed. How? If you stand under a doorway and the doorjamb falls forward or backward you will be crushed by the ceiling above. If the door jam falls sideways you will be cut in half by the doorway. In either case, you will be killed!

7) Never go to the stairs. The stairs have a different 'moment of frequency (they swing separately from the main part of the building). The stairs and remainder of the building continuously bump into each other until structural failure of the stairs takes place. The people who get on stairs before they fail are chopped up by the stair treads ? horribly mutilated. Even if the building doesn't collapse, stay away from the stairs. The stairs are a likely part of the building to be damaged. Even if the stairs are not collapsed by the earthquake, they may collapse later when overloaded by fleeing people. They should always be checked for safety, even when the rest of the building is not damaged.


8) Get Near the Outer Walls Of Buildings Or Outside Of Them If Possible - It is much better to be near the outside of the building rather than the interior. The farther inside you are from the outside perimeter of the building the greater the probability that your escape route will be blocked.

9) People inside of their vehicles are crushed when the road above falls in an earthquake and crushes their vehicles; which is exactly what happened with the slabs between the decks of the Nimitz Freeway. The victims of the San Francisco earthquake all stayed inside of their vehicles. They were all killed. They could have easily survived by getting out and lying in the fetal position next to their vehicles. Everyone killed would have survived if they had been able to get out of their cars and sit or lie next to them. All the crushed cars had voids 3 feet high next to them, except for the cars that had columns fall directly across them.

10) I discovered, while crawling inside of collapsed newspaper offices and other offices wi th a lot of paper, that paper does not compact. Large voids are found surrounding stacks of paper.

In 1996 we made a film, which proved my survival methodology to be correct. The Turkish Federal Government, City of Istanbul , University of Istanbul Case Productions and ARTI cooperated to film this practical, scientific test. We collapsed a school and a home with 20 mannequins inside. Ten mannequins did 'duck and cover,' and ten mannequins I used in my 'triangle of life' survival method. After the simulated earthquake collapse we crawled through the rubble and entered the building to film and document the results.
 
The film, in which I practiced my survival techniques under directly observable, scientific conditions, relevant to building collapse, showed there would have been zero percent survival for those doing duck and cover.

There would likely have been 100 percent survivability for people using my method of the 'triangle of life.' This film has been seen by millions of viewers on television in Turkey and the rest of Europe, and it was seen in the USA , Canada and Latin America on the TV program Real TV.

www.GuardDogBooks.com and www.AlaskaPublishing.com