LAWYER SCREWS UP

Gotta Love this Policeman         A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!   So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.   The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.   When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.   The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"   Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.   On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.   Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"   Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."   Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"   "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."   "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"    "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."    "Aggressive and hostile?"    "Yes, Sir.   "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"   Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.  How often can one get an attorney to incriminate his own client?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to piss off everybody...

Politically Incorrect British Humor

 

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It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting  in Tide washing powder to stop the coloureds from running.

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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

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Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists. Many are drug dealers.

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Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements

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Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.

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They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London.  Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

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Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!

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Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

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During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".

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Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low.

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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

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Another dumb lawyer joke...

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

  "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

  They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

  Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

  The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high

Hillary Clinton

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HOW TO START A FIGHT

HOW TO START A FIGHT 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift 
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. 
When she asked me why, I replied, 
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" 
And that's how the fight started..... 
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. 
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 
'No,' she answered. 
I then said,'Is that your final answer?' 
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' 
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." 
And that's when the fight started... 
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I took my wife to a restaurant. 
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." 
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" 
"Nah, she can order for herself." 
And that's when the fight started..... 
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My wife at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?" 
"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" 
And then the fight started... 
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When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." 
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. 
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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. 
She asked, "What's on TV?" 
I said, "Lots of dust." 
And then the fight started... 
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. 
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds." 
I bought her a bathroom scale. 
And then the fight started...... 
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits. 
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. 
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started... 
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My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror. 
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, 
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." 
That's when the fight began . . . 
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I rear-ended a car this morning . . . 
the start of a really bad day! 
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! 
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' 
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

Italian confession

 Subject: Italian Confession.

 

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession in 1960. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
 
 The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

 

 "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
> The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

 

 "Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

 

 "And what is that?" asked the priest.

 

 "Should I tell her the war is over?''
 

HUMOR IN THE WORK PLACE

6 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure..

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift..

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and crapped on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow crap, he began to realize how warm he was. The crap was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow crap, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your

friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE six MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Send this to at least five bright, funny people you know and make their day!

BE CAREFUL

Be careful... 

  This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:

 

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took....

 

The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible."