Voted best Joke!

Subject: How did we elect his guy?

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work".

The German doctor says: "that's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work".

The Russian doctor says: "gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work".

The United States doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. Five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition held in Britain

--

Kevin Ryan, Ph. D.
Professor and Director Emeritus

Center for Character and Social Responsibility

Boston University

King Arthur and the Witch: Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now....what is the moral to this story? The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly

BIGGEST HOLES IN THE WORLD...

The sheer scale of these holes reminds you of just how tiny we are.

Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa

Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world,
this 1097 meter deep mine yielded over 3 tons of diamonds before being closed.

Glory Hole - Monticello Dam, California

A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and water needs
to be drained from the reservoir. It is the largest spillway of this type in the
world and consumes 14,400 cubic feet of water every second.

Great Blue Hole, Belize

This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a blue hole is situated
60 miles off the mainland of Belize. There are numerous blue holes around the world,
but none as stunning as this one.

Sinkhole in Guatemala

These photos are of a sinkhole that occurred in Guatemala.
The hole swallowed 2 dozen homes and killed at least 3 people.

SHIT HOLE, Washington D.C.

This hole swallows trillions and trillions of U.S. Dollars annually!
The money that falls into this hole is never heard from again,
nor do we see any good come from it.

It is reported to be filled with thousands of "ass holes."

TRULY AMAZING!

Have you heard this one???

On Monday, January 27, 2014

AIRPLANE IN TROUBLE

The pilot informed the passengers that the airplane was about to crash;
however, it soon became apparent that there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, Holly Madison said, "I have my own reality show and I
am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don't want me to die." She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, John McCain, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated
war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America. " So he
grabbed the second pack and jumped

The third passenger, Barack Obama, said, "I am the President of the United
States and I am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even
call me the 'Anointed One.'" So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth passenger, a
10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my God the
best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."

__._,_.___

Don't ask Grandma in court...

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR...

Barack Obama has a
heart-attack and passes away.


He immediately goes to
hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do
here," says the devil.


"You are on my list
Obama, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so
I'll tell you what I'm going to do."


"I've got a few folks
here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who
leaves."


Obama thought that
sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.


In it was Ted Kennedy and
a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing.

Such was his fate in
hell.

"No," Obama said. "I
don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do
that all day long."

The devil led him to the
door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room
full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after
time.


"No, this is no
good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"
commented Obama.

The devil opened a
third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed,
his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose.

Bent over him was
Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked
at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I
can handle this."


The devil smiled
and said............

"OK, Monica, you're free to
go."

How to make a difference in the world...

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to

"make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that
our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of
other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on
challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

QUOTE FROM HAROLD:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that
you're retired?' Well, I'm fortunate to have a Chemical
Engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most
is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. Then I piss on a photo
of Obama! I do it every day and I really enjoy it."Harold is an inspiration to us all.