IRISH KID

   8 year old  Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
  "What's your  name?", asked the teacher.
   "Mohammad,"  he replied.
   "You're in  Ireland now," replied  the teacher, "So from now on you will be  known as Mike.
   " Mohammad  returned home after school.
   "How was your day, Mohammad?",  his mother asked.
   "My name is not  Mohammad.  I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike?
   "Are you ashamed of your  name?  Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage,  your religion?  Shame on  you!" 
   And his mother  beat him. Then she called his  father, who beat him again.
   The next day Mohammad returned to  school.  The teacher saw all of his bruises.
   "What happened to you,  Mike?", she  asked.
    "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs!

 

Italian confession

 Subject: Italian Confession.

 

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession in 1960. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
 
 The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

 

 "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
> The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

 

 "Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

 

 "And what is that?" asked the priest.

 

 "Should I tell her the war is over?''
 

ANOTHER BLOND JOKE ONLY SHE WINS

                 The Blond Girl Wins One!

    

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Coloradorancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the

rancher  says to Amy, "The  insemination man is coming

over to  impregnate one of  our cows, so I drove a nail into

the 2x4 just  above where the cow's stall is in the barn.  

Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial  insemination man arrives and

knocks on the front door. 

“I came to inseminate the cow,” he said.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row

of cows, and when Amy sees  the nail, she tells him,  "This is

the one right  here." 

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks,

"Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU

know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she

explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is

the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

“I guess it’s to hang your pants on."

HUMOR IN THE WORK PLACE

6 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure..

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift..

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and crapped on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow crap, he began to realize how warm he was. The crap was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow crap, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your

friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE six MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Send this to at least five bright, funny people you know and make their day!