jOKES:
G
GOLF
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies
obscured by the occasional miracle ....and followed by a good bottle of cold
beer.
Aaah.....Golf! You hit downward to make the ball go up. You swing left ...and
the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, and on top of that, the winner has
to buy the drinks
Golf is harder than baseball ...because in golf, you have to play your foul
balls.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a
hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is most likely in BIG trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot ....rarely
ever make a perfect shot.
The term "mulligan" is really a convenient contraction of the phrase
"maul it again."
A "gimme" can best be defined as a mutual agreement between two
golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting fact about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is
always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it,
hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no
reason at all ...you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you
might wish to reconsider playing this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you!!
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work , and
both are migthty expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' golf bag ....is the pencil.
Jewish Poker
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz
loses $500 on a single hand. He lets out an audible gasp, clutches his
chest, and drops dead at the table while the next hand is being dealt out.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing out
the hand while standing up.
Finally, Finklestien looks around and asks, "So, who's
gonna tell his wife? She can get pretty ugly, you know..."
And, in true gamblers fashion, they cut the cards. Goldberg
picks the two of clubs and has to carry the bad news. The other
fellows tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
worse.
"Discreet? Discreet, you say??? Hey, I'm the most
discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to
me."
So..... Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.
The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid
to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur
Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such
a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can
hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want
to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him
to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the
one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing
something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run
without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me,
but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have
some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end
suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there",
replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few
words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said
to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention
than yours'.
Court
Testimony:
In
court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked
the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite cow, Bessie, into the....'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road.....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying
to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to
the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had?just
loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the
road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my
trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown
into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and
saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and
said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the F*ck would you have said?
Letter
to God:
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual
address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I
had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to,
and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an
envelope and sent to the woman..
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the
dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those idiots at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
The Towel
Stepping out of the shower one morning, a beautiful young
woman wraps herself in a towel and tells her husband it's his turn to use the
shower. Just then, the doorbell rings. She goes downstairs to the door, and
it's their neighbor Bill, whose jaw drops at the sight of the lovely bride
wrapped in only a towel. He pulls two hundred-dollar bills out of his pocket and
says they're hers if she'll drop the towel to her waist.
"We could really use the $200.00," she thinks and
drops the towel a few inches.
Bill gasps at the sight and pulls out two more
hundred-dollar bills and offers them to her too if she'll drop the towel
altogether.
"Well, I've already compromised myself, and we COULD
use the money," she thinks. She lets the towel fall to the floor. Bill
takes a good look, thanks her, hands over the money, and leaves. She closes the
door and goes back upstairs, just as her husband is getting out of the shower.
He asks,
"Who was it, Honey?"
When she tells him it was Bill, he asks, "Did he say
anything about the
$400.00 he owes me?"
Grand Children:
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the
watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said,
"But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will
probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet
paper good-bye...
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy
Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet
for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother
changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As
she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew
thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard
the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the
first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking
strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the
loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and
get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman
in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need
a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we
could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the
tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of
seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline
industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right
-- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have
to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
This is interesting, worth reading:
EXTRACT FROM DOUG COPP'S ARTICLE ON
THE 'TRIANGLE OF LIFE'
My name is Doug Copp. I am the Rescue Chief and Disaster
Manager of the American Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world's most
experienced rescue team. The information in this article will save lives in an
earthquake.
I have crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings, worked with
rescue teams from 60 countries, founded rescue teams in several countries, and
I am a member of many rescue teams from many countries.
I was the United Nations expert in Disaster Mitigation for
two years. I have worked at every major disaster in the world sinc e 1985,
except for simultaneous disasters.
The first building I ever crawled inside of was a school in Mexico City during the
1985 earthquake. Every child was under its desk. Every child was crushed to the
thickness of their bones. They could have survived by lying down next to their
desks in the aisles. It was obscene, unnecessary and I wondered why the
children were not in the aisles. I didn't at the time know that the children
were told to hide under something. I am amazed that even today schools are
still using the "Duck and Cover" instructions- telling the children
to squat under their desks with their heads bowed and covered with their hands.
This was the technique used in the Mexico
City school.
Simply stated, when buildings collapse, the weight of the
ceilings falling upon the objects or furniture inside crushes these objects,
leaving a space or void next to them. This space is what I call the 'triangle
of life'. The larger the object, the stronger, the less i t will compact. The
less the object compacts, the larger the void, the greater the probability that
the person who is using this void for safety will not be injured. The next time
you watch collapsed buildings, on television, count the 'triangles' you see
formed. They are everywhere. It is the most common shape, you will see, in a
collapsed building.
TIPS FOR EARTHQUAKE SAFETY
1) Almost everyone who simply 'ducks and covers' when
buildings collapse ARE CRUSHED TO DEATH. People who get under objects, like
desks or cars, are crushed.
2) Cats, dogs and babies often naturally curl up in the
fetal position. You should too in an earthquake. It is a natural
safety/survival instinct. That position helps you survive in a smaller void.
Get next to an object, next to a sofa, next to a large bulky object that will
compress slightly but leave a void next to it.
3) Wooden buildings are the safest type of construction to
be in during an earthquake. Wood is flexib le and moves with the force of the
earthquake. If the wooden building does collapse, large survival voids are
created. Also, the wooden building has less concentrated, crushing weight.
Brick buildings will break into individual bricks. Bricks will cause many
injuries but less squashed bodies than concrete slabs. Concrete slab buildings
are the most dangerous during an earthquake.
4) If you are in bed during the night and an earthquake
occurs, simply roll off the bed. A safe void will exist around the bed. Hotels
can achieve a much greater survival rate in earthquakes, simply by posting a
sign on the back of the door of every room telling occupants to lie down on the
floor, next to the bottom of the bed during an earthquake.
5) If an earthquake happens and you cannot easily escape by
getting out the door or window, then lie down and curl up in the fetal position
next to a sofa, or large chair.
6) Almost everyone who gets under a doorway when buildings
collapse i s kill ed. How? If you stand under a doorway and the doorjamb falls
forward or backward you will be crushed by the ceiling above. If the door jam
falls sideways you will be cut in half by the doorway. In either case, you will
be killed!
7) Never go to the stairs. The stairs have a different
'moment of frequency (they swing separately from the main part of the
building). The stairs and remainder of the building continuously bump into each
other until structural failure of the stairs takes place. The people who get on
stairs before they fail are chopped up by the stair treads ? horribly
mutilated. Even if the building doesn't collapse, stay away from the stairs.
The stairs are a likely part of the building to be damaged. Even if the stairs
are not collapsed by the earthquake, they may collapse later when overloaded by
fleeing people. They should always be checked for safety, even when the rest of
the building is not damaged.
8) Get Near the Outer Walls Of Buildings Or Outside Of Them
If Possible - It is much better to be near the outside of the building rather
than the interior. The farther inside you are from the outside perimeter of the
building the greater the probability that your escape route will be blocked.
9) People inside of their vehicles are crushed when the road
above falls in an earthquake and crushes their vehicles; which is exactly what
happened with the slabs between the decks of the Nimitz Freeway. The victims of
the San Francisco
earthquake all stayed inside of their vehicles. They were all killed. They
could have easily survived by getting out and lying in the fetal position next
to their vehicles. Everyone killed would have survived if they had been able to
get out of their cars and sit or lie next to them. All the crushed cars had
voids 3 feet
high next to them, except for the cars that had columns fall directly across
them.
10) I discovered, while crawling inside of collapsed
newspaper offices and other offices wi th a lot of paper, that paper does not
compact. Large voids are found surrounding stacks of paper.
In 1996 we made a film, which proved my survival methodology
to be correct. The Turkish Federal Government, City of Istanbul , University of Istanbul Case
Productions and ARTI cooperated to film this
practical, scientific test. We collapsed a school and a home with 20 mannequins
inside. Ten mannequins did 'duck and cover,' and ten mannequins I used in my
'triangle of life' survival method. After the simulated earthquake collapse we
crawled through the rubble and entered the building to film and document the
results.
The film, in which I practiced my survival techniques under
directly observable, scientific conditions, relevant to building collapse,
showed there would have been zero percent survival for those doing duck and
cover.
There would likely have been 100 percent survivability for
people using my method of the 'triangle of life.' This film has been seen by
millions of viewers on television in Turkey and the rest of Europe, and it was seen in the USA , Canada and Latin
America on the TV program Real TV.
www.GuardDogBooks.com and www.AlaskaPublishing.com
.jpg)
.jpg)
