MORE BAD HUMOR

Microchip Implant allows Islamic terrorists (or any religious fanatic terrorist) to speak to God.


The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.
When properly installed, it will allow the terrorist to speak to God.


The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection. No anesthetic is required.


The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches and pains are extremely temporary.


Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, you won't even notice it.


The implant comes in various sizes: Generally from .223 to .50 cal.

Bad Joke

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HR 808 Is this joke?

HR 808 for the Dept. of Peace (new) and they want to change the Gospel and make all the religions all equal and I knew the world was going to end if Obama won the election. ...

ThePeaceAlliance.org – Announces on Monday, October 26 2009 Ana Campos, Board Member & Jason Frost who has been rallying support for US Department of Peace, along with notable Politicians & Celebrities will present Official Federal HR-808 Proposal.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

PRLog (Press Release) - Oct 24, 2009 -
Miami Beach, FL (ALL MEDIA OUTLETS) October, 24 2009 -- http://www.ThePeaceAlliance.org - Proudly announces that on Monday, October 26 2009 Ana Campos, Board Member and Petitioner who has been rallying support for a United States Department of Peace, along with many notable Politicians and Celebrities will present Official Federal HR-808 Proposal to the President of the United States.

Department of Peace volunteers across the nation have managed to continually support Ana Campos and the many other people involved in this effort to establish a United States Department of Peace. Senator Nelson, our 3 Florida Congressional Cosponsors, 7 additional Members of Congress, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are all potential strong supporters in this effort to pass this Bill. This is a chance to speak and remind to President Obama about the bill he once showed avid interest in, while running for President.

Neighboring supporter Jason Frost of A Frosty J Productions (ASCAP) – FrostyJ.com -has been championing the cause much like Ana Campos for nearly a decade applying pressure to get this Bill passed with help from powerful and influential associates in the Hollywood & New York City Arts and Film Community. Notable supporters include recently Actor turned Rapper Joaquin Phoenix, Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and many more as listed on ThePeaceAlliance.org website. A Music compilation to support and raise money for this cause is also in the works with more information and artists involved in the Peace project to help further inform the public.

In the 1990s Jason Frost first began working towards establishing peaceful conflict resolutions through the use of Music and Entertainment that focused on the positive aspects to a diverse and multi-cultural society; organizing concerts and events that promoted peace and unity among various peoples, groups and races holding multiple conflicts. With the advent of the Internet people like Jason Frost and Board Member Ana Campos have been able to reach far more supporters than in pre Internet years. It is the opinion of everyone involved that we are very close to finally establishing a US Dept of Peace. An integral addition to already strong domestic resolution policies as established and set in motion by the Clinton staff of the 1990s.

This is about the war in our own communities and what can we do federally and locally to help prevent crime and violence.

This Federal US Department of Peace would primarily work to prevent violence domestically (domestic abuse, child and elderly abuse, gang violence, hate crimes, homicides and battery) at it’s root causes –not just continue to apply band aids. It would bring tools of violence prevention (peer mediation, nonviolent communication, conflict resolution) into all school systems(K -12) to aid Teachers and Students.

At the end of the day, the US Department of Peace would creates a seat for violence prevention, for the first time in the President’s Cabinet of Advisors which will serve to advise him on their expertise on the latest cutting edge techniques in conflict resolution, violence prevention, diplomacy, mediation, and community based strategy programs on crime prevention. A copy of the most recent Bill is available for review at ThePeaceAlliance.org along with links to donate, get stickers, t-shirts and support this very important cause that affects us all.

The Presidential Event is in Miami Beach this Monday.

Ana Campos

Board Member, The Peace Alliance
South Florida State Organizer
U.S. Department of Peace Campaign
Email: ACampos_2001@yahoo.com

Jason Frost
Volunteer Supporter, The Peace Alliance
A Frosty J Productions (ASCAP) – FrostyJ.com
U.S. Department of Peace Campaign
Email: JFrost_1994@sunservers.net

National Website: http://www.ThePeaceAlliance.org
DoPeace Website: http://DoPEACE.ning.com

# # #

At our helm is Jason Frost, who has the experience, dedication, entrepreneurial leadership and respect of some of the most well known names in the music and film industry today. Our staffed network consists of creative and professional audio sound and visual engineering specialists ready to meet any project deadline and exceed your very best expectations. We also retain a staff of highly skilled musicians as part of our own in-house songwriting and composing team so that we can arm you with newer sounds, fresher beats and better background music than the competition. A Frosty J Productions (ASCAP) is growing everyday and is already part of a largely expanding network of newly created partnerships extending into the areas of film, TV, radio, soundtracking, production, promotion, manufacturing, distribution, photography, press relations, artist development, personal management and career goal services for actors/models/bands interested.

www.GuardDogBooks.com

The jokes on us.

WE ARE IN TROUBLE

>The population of this country is 300 million.
>
160 million are retired.
>
> That leaves 140 million to do the work.
>
> There are 85 million in school which leaves 55 million to do the work.
>
> Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
>
> Leaving 20 million to do the work.
>
> 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
>
> Which leaves 17.2  million to do the work.
>
> Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city
> Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
>
> At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
>
> Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
>
> Now, there are 1,211,998 people
> in prisons.
>
> That leaves just two people to do the
> work.
>
> You and me.

JOKES:  PG 13

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted..

Pub Talk

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 I  just took a leaflet out of my letterbox, informing me that there's no reason I can't have good sex at 66!

I am so happy, because I live at no. 55..... so it's not far to walk home afterwards

Dirty Jokes

JOKES:  PG 13
 

I LOVE THIS WOMAN An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat." "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.   I just bought this hat yesterday!"

 

 

Let me get this straight . . . . We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't, Which purportedly covers at least ten million more people, without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents, written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that didn't read it but exempted themselves from it, and signed by a President who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, for which we'll be taxed for four years before any benefits take effect, by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's broke!!!!! 'What could possibly go wrong?'

PHONE REPAIR

Lawrence , Kansas
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by
pissing and moaning.

www.GuardDogBooks.com

BIKER JOKES PG 13

JOKES:  PG 13

Why Worry:

There are really only two things in life to worry about: either you are sick, or you are well.

If you are well, you have nothing to worry about.

If you are sick, there are only two things to worry about: either you get better, or you die.

If you get better, you have nothing to worry about.

If you die, you only have two things to worry about: either you will go to Heaven, or you will go to Hell.

If you go to Heaven, you have nothing to worry about.

If you go to Hell...you will be so busy catching up with old friends, you won't have time to worry!

The new employee!

Charlie, a newly retired employee at the local B&Q store, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10 or 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company, obviously epitomizing their 'Older Person Friendly' policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a chat.

"Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a great job, but your arriving a few minutes late so often is becoming quite a problem."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player and I like to hear that members of our team can recognize their shortcomings and tackle them. It does however seem odd to me that you come in late so very often when I know you recently retired from the armed forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They would say, 'Good morning Admiral, would you like some coffee now, sir?'."

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.  Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.. He agreed, but he didn't say much.. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Harley wouldn't start today, can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.. 

www.AlaskaPublishing.com  and    www.GuardDogBooks.com

OLD JOKES

JOKES:  PG 13
Parrot
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem:

The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Not the same hat!"
 "Flowers are under the table."
 "All the cards are the ace of spades"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

"OK, I give up. Where's the f****** ship?"

 

During a recent password audit, a company IT discovered a blond was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital.




 
 

David McClure from the Dallas News Community Opinion page.


$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK ! I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet, a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo! Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror!
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found!

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" but all I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake!" I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK! My grandfather does stuff like this all the time!"


All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast!

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home! 

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today..

The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced two years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been microwaved
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They don't know who Mork was or Mindy or where he was from..

They never heard: 'Where's the beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ', or 'de plane Boss, de plane'.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. 

www.GuardDogbooks.com and www.AlaskaPublishing.com