Irish Joke

Square Testicles           This is a joke that is supposed to bring you the luck of the Irish. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.    The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked  the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.' The origin of this Irish story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky.   Do not keep this letter. And do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. Something good will happen to you in the next four days. If the chain is not broken, you will have good luck during the four days. Even if all you do is make someone laugh, send it on!    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * If you send this page to more than 5 people, you will have good luck for the next 5 years   in addition to the luck you will have within the next 4 days.

HOW TO START A FIGHT

HOW TO START A FIGHT 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift 
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. 
When she asked me why, I replied, 
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" 
And that's how the fight started..... 
________________________________ 

 

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. 
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 
'No,' she answered. 
I then said,'Is that your final answer?' 
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' 
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." 
And that's when the fight started... 
________________________________ 

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. 
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." 
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" 
"Nah, she can order for herself." 
And that's when the fight started..... 
_______________________________ 

 

My wife at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?" 
"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" 
And then the fight started... 
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When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." 
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. 
______________________________ 

 

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. 
She asked, "What's on TV?" 
I said, "Lots of dust." 
And then the fight started... 
________________________________ 

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. 
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds." 
I bought her a bathroom scale. 
And then the fight started...... 
______________________________ 

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits. 
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. 
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started... 
________________________________ 

 

My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror. 
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, 
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." 
That's when the fight began . . . 
________________________________ 

 

I rear-ended a car this morning . . . 
the start of a really bad day! 
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! 
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' 
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

CALIFORNIA MAN gets psychiatric observation for owning guns...

California MAN Gets PSYCHIATRIC  OBSERVATION FOR OWNING GUNS

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."

In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in 

Detroit." In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend.

In Montana and South Dakota, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and 

South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

And, in TEXAS, he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo.

NO JOKE...

Subject: WAL-MART VS. THE MORONS..(NOT A JOKE)

This is quite interesting.

Even if you do not forward it, read it all the way to the end...

1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart Every hour of Every day.
2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.

4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target +Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people, is the world's Largest private employer, and most speak English.

6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger and Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only fifteen years.
8. During this same period, 31 big supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had Five years ago.

11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences Will occur at Wal-Mart stores.(Earth's population is Approximately 6.5 Billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within fifteen miles of a Wal-Mart.

You may think that I am complaining, but I am really laying the ground work for suggesting that MAYBE we
should hire the guys who run Wal-Mart to fix the economy.

This should be read and understood by all Americans?? Democrats, Republicans, EVERYONE!!

To: President Obama and all 535 voting members of the Legislature It is now official that the majority of you are corrupt and ineffective:

a..The U.S. Postal Service was established in 1775. You have had 237 years to get it right and it is broke.

b..Social Security was established in 1935. You have had 77 years to get it right And it is broke.

c..Fannie Mae was established in 1938. You have had 74 years to get it right and It is broke.

d.. War on Poverty started in 1964. You have had 48 years to get it right;$1 Trillion of our money is confiscated each year andTransferred to "the poor"
..........And they only want more.
e.. Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965. You have had 47 years to get it right and they are broke.

f..Freddie Mac was established in 1970. You have had 42Years to get it right And it is broke.

g.. The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen Our dependence on foreign oil. It has ballooned to 16,000
Employees with a budget of $24 billion a year and we Import more oil than ever before. You had 35 years to get it right and
it is an abysmal failure.

You have FAILED in every "government service" you Have shoved down our Throats while overspending our tax dollars.

AND YOU WANT AMERICANS TO BELIEVE YOUCAN BE

TRUSTED WITH A GOVERNMENT-RUN HEALTH CARE

SYSTEM??

Folks, Keep this circulating. It is very well stated. Maybe it will end up in the e-mails of some

of our "duly elected' (they never read anything) and their staff will clue them in on how Americans feel.

AND We have lost our minds to "Political Correctness" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We're "broke" & can't help our own Seniors, Veterans, Orphans, Homeless etc.,? BUT -- In the last months we have provided aid to Haiti , Chile , Japan

and Turkey ..And Pakistan........previous home of Bin Laden. Literally, BILLIONS of DOLLARS!!!

Our retired seniors living on a 'fixed income' receive no extra aid nor do they get any special breaks -- nadda beyond shopping discounts...

Now, it is estimated that 90,000 illegal alien children under the age of 16 will be in our country by the end of the year. We will feed them, provide health

and education and they will get everything a hard working American citizen gets - just for crossing the border illegally.

Obama is proposing we give millions of dollars to El Salvador, Hondouras and Guatamala to "help" the children. Do you really think this money

is going to get to the children that really need it? Meanwhile, Mexico is charging for allowing them to pass through Mexico to get to the US border,

paid for by the drug cartels. They are keeping the Border Guards busy changing diapers while the drug lords funnel tons of drugs into the

US to turn our children into zombies.

In GITMO, the 147 Muslim terrorists have one doctor for every prisoner, a state-of-the art hospital system, are provided Korans

and prayer rugs, food approved by the Koran, exercise and additional perks.

Our Veterans die waiting to see a VA doctor while the directors get bonuses.

AND Congress wants to freeze Social Security payments !

99% of people won't forward this. I'm one of the1% -- I Just Did

ITS OK TO LAUGH

Hi All,

I sense there is a lot of concern among you and it appears that all need to have a smile...

enjoy

----- Forwarded Message -----

To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Subject: Fwd: Amish Magic

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your Mother'

It is OK to laugh now!

Voted best Joke!

Subject: How did we elect his guy?

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work".

The German doctor says: "that's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work".

The Russian doctor says: "gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work".

The United States doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. Five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition held in Britain

--

Kevin Ryan, Ph. D.
Professor and Director Emeritus

Center for Character and Social Responsibility

Boston University

Have you heard this one???

On Monday, January 27, 2014

AIRPLANE IN TROUBLE

The pilot informed the passengers that the airplane was about to crash;
however, it soon became apparent that there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, Holly Madison said, "I have my own reality show and I
am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don't want me to die." She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, John McCain, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated
war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America. " So he
grabbed the second pack and jumped

The third passenger, Barack Obama, said, "I am the President of the United
States and I am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even
call me the 'Anointed One.'" So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth passenger, a
10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my God the
best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."

__._,_.___

Canadian money warning to Muslims...

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Your economic stimulus sad but true...

THIS IS REALLY GOOD ADVICE - The Scary Part Is It Is Most Likely True.

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q&A format: Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q.. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: * If you spend the stimulus money at WalMart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka . * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China. * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras, Guatemala and . . . * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea . * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan . * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in America by: 1) Spending it at yard sales, or 2) Going to ball games, or 3) Spending it on prostitutes, or 4) Beer or 5) Tattoos. (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. ) Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yardsale and drink beer all day ! No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.