HUMOR IN THE WORK PLACE

6 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure..

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift..

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and crapped on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow crap, he began to realize how warm he was. The crap was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow crap, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your

friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE six MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Send this to at least five bright, funny people you know and make their day!

ITS OK TO LAUGH

Hi All,

I sense there is a lot of concern among you and it appears that all need to have a smile...

enjoy

----- Forwarded Message -----

To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Subject: Fwd: Amish Magic

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your Mother'

It is OK to laugh now!

Farm Joke...

USDA Secretary Validates Agenda 21,
Says Rural America "Less and Less Relevant"
Susanne Posel

Last week Tom Vilsack, secretary of the US Department of Agriculture (USDA), speaking at a forum sponsored by Farm Journal, claimed that rural America has become "less and less relevant." Vilsack went on to say that "It’s time for us to have an adult conversation with folks in rural America. It’s time for a different thought process here, in my view."

Vilsack asserts that with more and more Americans moving into urbanized city-centers, the farming communities in rural areas are not necessary in order to supply the US with food and other necessities. He believes that these areas of land would be better served without having to direct energy and resources to them. He is an advocate for Monsanto and genetically modified foods which would explain why Vilsack is against rural America and farming communities.

In fact, Vilsack stated that a farming policy that facilitated the reality of "rural America with a shrinking population is becoming less and less relevant to the politics of this country, and we had better recognize that and we better begin to reverse it."

By eliminating the necessity of trucking food across the country, and growing food in the urbanized centers, the sprawl can be replaced with "greenhouses". On rollers, and placed upon triangular buildings constructed in Sweden, harvesting is made easier because the sunlight can be tracked through the movement of the food planted upon the mobile platforms.

The concept of vertical farming promises to spare the environment from the nutrient depleting practice of agriculture, while providing the ability to cultivate animal and/or plant life on vertically lined surfaces – such as skyscrapers.

In Chicago, concepts for the Chicago Gateway will Americanize the concept of vertical farming by constructing a building that is esthetically pleasing as functional. Both as a residential skyscraper and communal food producing center combined. Plans for networks of connecting sky bridges will allow the public to access their hydroponic farm without using the ground levels of the city.

The USDA asserts that since 50% of rural communities have seen major population reduction since 2008 which have resulted in massive influxes into major cities across the nation.

Globalist-supported scientists are suggesting that humanity would be better off living in densely populated centers. "We certainly don't want them strolling about the entire countryside. We want them to save land for nature by living closely [together]."

In 2010, experts were asserting the greater importance of urban populations against those in rural areas as it has been the plan of the global Elite to reduce rural resources including people and communities in lieu of promoting clean water, food, forest areas. Keeping rural areas impoverished and forcing people to move into urban centers has created a need for sustainable urbanization, say the eco-fascists.

The Obama administration has been integral in the destruction of rural America with propositions such as  banning children who live on farms from doing chores for the benefit of the farm under claims of violation of child labor laws.

Obama empowered the Department of Labor (DoL) to finalize a federal rule that will apply child labor laws to children working on farms. A list of jobs they will no longer be allowed to preform will be amended to the rule. These will be jobs like, "in the storing, marketing and transporting of farm product raw materials."

The DoL specifies that "prohibited places of employment include country grain elevators, grain bins, silos, feed lots, stockyards, livestock exchanges and livestock auctions."

On August 31, 2012, the new regulations set forth by Obama and the DoL mandated government safety training and certification in classes will replace those once provided by rural institutions like the 4-H and the FFA.

The executive order National Defense Resources Preparedness specifies in Section 801:

"Farm equipment" means equipment, machinery, and repair parts manufactured for use on farms in connection with the production or preparation for market use of food resources.
"Food resources" means all commodities and products, (simple, mixed, or compound), or complements to such commodities or products, that are capable of being ingested by either human beings or animals, irrespective of other uses to which such commodities or products may be put, at all stages of processing from the raw commodity to the products thereof in vendible form for human or animal consumption. "Food resources" also means potable water packaged in commercially marketable containers, all starches, sugars, vegetable and animal or marine fats and oils, seed, cotton, hemp, and flax fiber, but does not mean any such material after it loses its identity as an agricultural commodity or agricultural product.
"Food resource facilities" means plants, machinery, vehicles (including on farm), and other facilities required for the production, processing, distribution, and storage (including cold storage) of food resources, and for the domestic distribution of farm equipment and fertilizer (excluding transportation thereof).

Under the Obama dictatorship, farming a commodity of the US government to be regulated at it sees fit.

The White House Rural Council is empowered to:

Coordinate and increase the effectiveness of Federal engagement with rural stakeholders, including agricultural organizations, small businesses, education and training institutions, health-care providers, telecommunications services providers, research and land grant institutions, law enforcement, State, local, and tribal governments, and nongovernmental organizations regarding the needs of rural America.

Through mandates by the Department of Transportation (DOT) Obama has placed stifling restrictions on farming equipment that has led to the bankruptcy of thousands of small farms across the nation.

Restrictions like forcing farmers to obtain a CDL to drive their tractors on public roads; as well as the reclassification of farm vehicles and implements to commercial motor vehicles (CMV).

While the Environmental Protection Agency is imposing fines on farmers for "farm dust" and the Food and Drug Administration sending swat teams to arrest farmers at the local seasonal farmer's market for selling raw milk, the assault on an American tradition.

The Obama administration has made it clear that they will adopt UN Agenda 21 and force Americans to follow these regulations.

Dirty Jokes

JOKES:  PG 13
 

I LOVE THIS WOMAN An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat." "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.   I just bought this hat yesterday!"

 

 

Let me get this straight . . . . We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't, Which purportedly covers at least ten million more people, without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents, written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that didn't read it but exempted themselves from it, and signed by a President who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, for which we'll be taxed for four years before any benefits take effect, by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's broke!!!!! 'What could possibly go wrong?'

PHONE REPAIR

Lawrence , Kansas
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by
pissing and moaning.

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