OBAMA JOKE

Obama, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a well-known psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: “You will die on a Jewish holiday.”

“Which one?'” Obama asks nervously.

“It doesn’t matter.” replied the psychic.

“Whenever you die, it’ll become a Jewish holiday.”

BEST POLITICAL JOKE OF THE SEASON

   George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.


While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.


The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.



Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a
check.



Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.



Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.



When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.



The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took over , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Best political Joke yet

The jokes on us.

WE ARE IN TROUBLE

>The population of this country is 300 million.
>
160 million are retired.
>
> That leaves 140 million to do the work.
>
> There are 85 million in school which leaves 55 million to do the work.
>
> Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
>
> Leaving 20 million to do the work.
>
> 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
>
> Which leaves 17.2  million to do the work.
>
> Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city
> Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
>
> At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
>
> Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
>
> Now, there are 1,211,998 people
> in prisons.
>
> That leaves just two people to do the
> work.
>
> You and me.

JOKES:  PG 13

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted..

Pub Talk

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 I  just took a leaflet out of my letterbox, informing me that there's no reason I can't have good sex at 66!

I am so happy, because I live at no. 55..... so it's not far to walk home afterwards

Dirty Jokes

JOKES:  PG 13
 

I LOVE THIS WOMAN An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat." "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.   I just bought this hat yesterday!"

 

 

Let me get this straight . . . . We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't, Which purportedly covers at least ten million more people, without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents, written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that didn't read it but exempted themselves from it, and signed by a President who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, for which we'll be taxed for four years before any benefits take effect, by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's broke!!!!! 'What could possibly go wrong?'

PHONE REPAIR

Lawrence , Kansas
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by
pissing and moaning.

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