OBAMA JOKE

Obama, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a well-known psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: “You will die on a Jewish holiday.”

“Which one?'” Obama asks nervously.

“It doesn’t matter.” replied the psychic.

“Whenever you die, it’ll become a Jewish holiday.”

Jokes that can be told in Church...

****JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH****

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
After hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
All this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
Whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
Of happiness,
And today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
Their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
On a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
They give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
Scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
He calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words

on a piece of paper. He calls it a sermon, and it

takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male
Pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
Service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own
Mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments

With her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy
Father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
Treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God
Created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
Told him
How Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
Down as though he were ill,
And she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little
Johnny responded,
'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have
A wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~


You don't stop laughing because you grow old..
You grow old because you stop laughing!
We need something to start the day happy.
"They" haven't found a way to tax you for
Laughing yet.

Obama Care joke...

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure the nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.

The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. 

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vain is easier for the
surgeon to locate and sever.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care.

Young woman

A young Texas woman was so depressed that she decided to end her lifeby throwing herself into the Gulf, but just before she could throwherself from the docks, a handsome young Texan stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."


With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night hewould bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make loveto her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.


"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.


"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "Hebrings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.


Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is, "replied the captain. "This is the Galveston       Ferry."

Bad Joke

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