IRISH KID

   8 year old  Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
  "What's your  name?", asked the teacher.
   "Mohammad,"  he replied.
   "You're in  Ireland now," replied  the teacher, "So from now on you will be  known as Mike.
   " Mohammad  returned home after school.
   "How was your day, Mohammad?",  his mother asked.
   "My name is not  Mohammad.  I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike?
   "Are you ashamed of your  name?  Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage,  your religion?  Shame on  you!" 
   And his mother  beat him. Then she called his  father, who beat him again.
   The next day Mohammad returned to  school.  The teacher saw all of his bruises.
   "What happened to you,  Mike?", she  asked.
    "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs!

 

Jokes that can be told in Church...

****JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH****

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
After hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
All this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
Whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
Of happiness,
And today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
Their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
On a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
They give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
Scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
He calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words

on a piece of paper. He calls it a sermon, and it

takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male
Pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
Service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own
Mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments

With her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy
Father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
Treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God
Created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
Told him
How Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
Down as though he were ill,
And she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little
Johnny responded,
'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have
A wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~


You don't stop laughing because you grow old..
You grow old because you stop laughing!
We need something to start the day happy.
"They" haven't found a way to tax you for
Laughing yet.

The Pope and the Democrat...

The Pope and the Democrat

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska .. He was cruising along the campground in the 'Popemobile' when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy ?"
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all kinds of wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have a lot of wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is our bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one...?" 

Worst joke of all time...

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called "Bomb Jovi".

They were brilliant. Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.

I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"

Well, that was when the fight started!

Women

WOMEN



A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.




She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.




She will enable him to express his deepest emotions,
and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the                 most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the                 most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...




No wait...Sorry...
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.


Never mind.