Jokes that can be told in Church...

****JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH****

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
After hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
All this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
Whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
Of happiness,
And today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
Their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
On a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
They give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
Scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
He calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words

on a piece of paper. He calls it a sermon, and it

takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male
Pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
Service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own
Mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments

With her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy
Father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
Treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God
Created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
Told him
How Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
Down as though he were ill,
And she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little
Johnny responded,
'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have
A wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~


You don't stop laughing because you grow old..
You grow old because you stop laughing!
We need something to start the day happy.
"They" haven't found a way to tax you for
Laughing yet.

Alabama Preacher

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.  This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.  Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."


No one moved.


The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.  Now stand and confess your transgression."


Again, all was quiet.


Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.  Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.  I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.  I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."


The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.


Life is Short.  Smile while you still have Teeth.


Give me an Amen Brother!!

Clever Spaniards!

Clever Bunch, these Spaniards!


The Spanish may not be the world power they were                   prior to 1588, but they still have some good                   ideas!


A man is buried a dead pig. Make sure you read                   the explanation at the bottom.


In Seville Spain , local people found a way to stop                   the construction of another mosque in their town. They buried a pig on the site, and made sure this would be known by the local press.


The Islamic rules forbid the erecting of a                   Mosque on "pig soiled ground." The Muslims had to cancel the project. This land was sold to them by government officials. 


No protests were needed by the local people ... and                   it worked!


PEOPLE IN USA , CANADA & THE UK NEED TO TAKE A LESSON FROM THE SPANIARDS!

The Cardinal and Pelosi...

Catholic Mass- this will bring a smile to your face maybe.


Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., an aide wanted the Cardinal to call Nancy Pelosi a saint. 


The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."  
Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the  congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.” 
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." 



As Pelosi's aide promised, Nancy Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Ms.Pelosi was present. 
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Ms. Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip- flop on many other issues.  Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self -absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever  personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington , and in California . The woman is simply not to be trusted." 



The Cardinal  concluded,  "But, when compared with President Obama, Ms. Pelosi is a saint."