Your economic stimulus sad but true...

THIS IS REALLY GOOD ADVICE - The Scary Part Is It Is Most Likely True.

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q&A format: Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q.. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: * If you spend the stimulus money at WalMart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka . * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China. * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras, Guatemala and . . . * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea . * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan . * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in America by: 1) Spending it at yard sales, or 2) Going to ball games, or 3) Spending it on prostitutes, or 4) Beer or 5) Tattoos. (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. ) Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yardsale and drink beer all day ! No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

BEST LAWYER JOKE EVER...

BEST TRUE LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND                                 POSSIBLY THE CENTURY This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and                                 expensive cigars, then insured them against,                                 among other things, fire. Within a month, having                                 smoked his entire stockpile of these great                                 cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the                                 insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer                                 stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'The                                 insurance company refused to pay, citing the                                 obvious reason, that the man had consumed the                                 cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued -                                 and WON! (Stay with me.) Delivering the ruling,                                 the judge agreed with the insurance company that                                 the claim was frivolous. The judge stated                                 nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from                                 the company, in which it had warranted that the                                 cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that                                 it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal                                 process, the insurance company accepted the                                 ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his                                 loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.                                 NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed                                 the check, the insurance company had him                                 arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own                                 insurance claim and testimony from the previous                                 case being used against him, the lawyer was                                 convicted of intentionally burning his insured                                 property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail                                 and a $24,000 fine. This true story won First                                 Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award                                 contest. ONLY IN AMERICA ... NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS