WHY TO VOTE DEMOCRAT

Subject: Fw: Fwd: Ten reasons to vote Democrat by Letterman
>
>
>
>
> THESE ARE GREAT AND RIGHT ON
> TARGET!
>
>
> Ten reasons to vote Democrat by
> Letterman
>
>
> #10. I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now
> marry
> whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German
> Shepherd.
>
>
> #9. I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of
> 4% on a gallon
> of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon
> at 15% isn't.
>
>
> #8. I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a
> better
> job of spending the money I earn than I
> would.
>
>
> #7. I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long
> as
> nobody is offended by it.
>
>
> #6. I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a
> gun,
> and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from
> murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service
> that gets
> police to your home in order to identify your body after a home
> invasion.
>
>
> #5. I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of
> babies
> being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and
> comfy.
>
>
> #4. I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right
> to
> free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should
> take away Social Security from those who paid into
> it.
>
>
> #3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not
> be
> allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give
> the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees
> it.
>
>
> #2. I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to
> rewrite
> the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never
> get their agendas past the voters.
>
>
>
> … And, the #1 reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's
> better to
> pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own
> because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here
> in
> America. We
> don't care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those
> other
> countries.
>
>
> "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has
> its
> limits"… Albert Einstein
>
>
> I know you all will appreciate this
> definition.
>
> The best description of Obamacare so
> far:
>
> Remember when Nancy Pelosi said: “We have to pass it, to find
> out
> what's in it."
>
> A physician called into a radio show and said: "That's
> the
> definition of a stool sample."

MILITARY HUMOR

Marine Corps Rules: 

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one. 
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough. 
3. Have a plan. 
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work. 
5. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you
meet. 
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start
with a '4.' 
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life
is expensive. 
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and
diagonal preferred.) 
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. 
10. Flank your adversary. When possible, protect yours. 
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. 
12. In ten years, nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived. 
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to
shoot.. 

Navy SEAL Rules: 

1. Look very cool in sunglasses. 
2. Kill every living thing in sight. 
3. Adjust Speedo. 
4. Check hair in mirror. 

US Army Rangers' Rules: 

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving. 
2. Locate individuals requiring killing. 
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing. 
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted. 
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving. 

US Army Rules: 

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order. 
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee. 
3. Curse bitterly. 
4. Curse bitterly. 
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed. 
6. Curse bitterly. 

US Air Force Rules: 

1. Have a cocktail. 
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner. 
3. See what's on HBO. 
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?' 
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point
presentation. 
6. Wine and dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD and defense industry
executives. 
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets. 
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally. 
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.

10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict, but close
enough to have tax exemption. 
11 Always have ICE CREAM

( And I Love This Next One) 

US Navy Rules: 

1. Go to Sea. 
2. Drink Coffee

3, Insert SEALS

4, Deploy Marines, 

5, Launch Aircraft and Missiles 350 miles away from fighting

5, Drink more Coffee
Go Navy! 

And the next... (You've got to love the military, and God bless them all.) 

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts) 

The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval
installations in the Middle East . 
(It was obviously directed at the Marines.) 

To: All Commands 
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts 

Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K 

All commanders promulgate upon receipt:

The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn, on or off base, by any
military, or civilian personnel, serving in the Middle East: 

1. 'Eat Pork or Die' 
[Both English and Arabic versions]

2. 'Shrine Busters' 
[Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting
Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

3. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more.' 
[Both English and Arabic versions]

4. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' 

[Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope
cross-hairs.]

5. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' 


6. 'Pork. The other white meat.' 

7. 'Infidel' 

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of
this directive.

In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this
message:

1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800
Daily.'

2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?'

All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.

Have you heard this one???

On Monday, January 27, 2014

AIRPLANE IN TROUBLE

The pilot informed the passengers that the airplane was about to crash;
however, it soon became apparent that there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, Holly Madison said, "I have my own reality show and I
am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don't want me to die." She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, John McCain, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated
war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America. " So he
grabbed the second pack and jumped

The third passenger, Barack Obama, said, "I am the President of the United
States and I am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even
call me the 'Anointed One.'" So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth passenger, a
10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my God the
best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."

__._,_.___

While you slept...

   Late Monday night the Muslim Brother hood warned that if the United
States continues meddling in Egypt , 

Libya and other Middle East hot spots 

they intend to cut off America 's supplyof 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

 
     If this action does not yield 

sufficient results, cab drivers will be next,followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOLcustomer service reps.
 

   Finally, if all else fails, they havethreatened to not supply us any more    presidents.

Occasionally, we need to be reminded as to why God made us in the first place. Some answers appear below.

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." Babe Ruth "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." Lyndon B. Johnson "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Paul Horning "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." H. L. Mencken "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" George Bernard Shaw "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.! W. C. Fields Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser. Professor Irwin Corey To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! Leo Durocher One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: "Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Henry Kroll Author of ten books: COSMOLOGICAL ICE AGES, The Frog Is cooked, SADDAM HUSSEIN AND THE SAND PIRATES, Philosopher's Stone, SPACESHIPS OF THE GODS, DIE WITH THE MOST TOYS etc... 

www.AlaskaPublishing.com
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Never stand in line again...

Never Stand In Line Again

When former U.S. Military commander in Afghanistan, Stanley McChrystal, was called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting him in his political role as President.

"It's not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it's my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied and he handed Obama his resignation.

Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation the President made a cheap parting shot. "I bet when I die you'll be happy to piss on my grave."

The General saluted. "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I'd never stand in line again.