Dear Abby

 

My husband hasn`t worked for the last 14 years . All he does is get dressed
in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies . I know he`s
cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his grand daughters .

 

I know because he brags about this to me  . He smokes fancy cigars and
drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night .

 

We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian and my varicose veins and hairy back turn him off !

Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him , Abby ?
Your advice would be appreciated .....
         

Mad as Hell

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Mad as Hell,

 

You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man . I suggest you
pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p!   

 

Don`t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan , and try to act like a lady !

Remember ....... you`re running for President of the United States , so try
acting like one !

 

          Abby

 

LAWYER SCREWS UP

Gotta Love this Policeman         A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!   So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.   The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.   When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.   The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"   Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.   On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.   Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"   Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."   Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"   "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."   "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"    "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."    "Aggressive and hostile?"    "Yes, Sir.   "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"   Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.  How often can one get an attorney to incriminate his own client?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DEMOCRAT JOKE

My Mommy The  Dancer.

  

One day a  fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a  living.

All the  typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor,  lawyer, and so forth.

However,  little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the  teacher  

prodded him about his mother, he replied, "Well  my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front  of men and they put money in her under-wear. Sometimes, if the offer is really  good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for  money."

The teacher,  obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on  some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really  true about your mother?"

No," the boy  said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get  Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that  in front of the other kids."

 

The older we get....

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken

McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the

belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they

wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code

so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired

as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' (keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they

(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and

said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'

'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it

on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had

eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the

mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. I n a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

· 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to every one you can remember right now!

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night 

Shoot a bb gun, ride in the back of a PU...

Born 1930 -
1979
You
definitely need to read the statement by Jay. Oh so

true.

Those of You Born

1930 -

1979

At the end of this Email is a quote of the month
by Jay Leno.. If you don't read anything else, PleaseRead what
he Said.
Very well stated, Mr.
Leno.
TO ALL THE
KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and

70's!

First, we survived being born to
mothers
Who smoked and/or drank while
they were

Pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese
dressing,
Tuna from a can and didn't get tested for
diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on
our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base

paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine
bottles,
Locks on doors or cabinets and when we
rode
Our bikes, we
had baseball caps not helmets on our

heads.
As infants &
children,
We would ride in cars with no car
seats,
No booster
seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no
brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick-up truck on a
warm day
Was
always a special treat.

We drank water
From the garden hose and not from a
bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four
friends,
From one bottle and no one actually died from
this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and
bacon..
We drank
Kool-Aid made with real white sugar.
And, we weren't
overweight.
WHY?

Because
we were
Always outside playing...that's
why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all
day,
As long
as we were back when the
Streetlights came
on.

No one
was able
To reach us all day. And, we were
O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out
ofscraps
And then ride them down the hill, only to
find out
We forgot
the brakes. After running into the
bushes
a few times, we learned to solve the
problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and
X-boxes.
There were no video games, no 150 channels on
cable,
No video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or
CD's,
No cell
phones, No personal computers, no Internet and no chat
rooms. WE
HAD FRIENDS And we went outside and found
them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and
teeth
And there were no lawsuits from these
accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from
dirt,
And the
worms did not live in us
Forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th
birthdays,
Made up games with sticks and tennis balls
and,
Although we
were told it would happen,
We did not put out very many
eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's
house and
Knocked on the door or rang the bell, or
just
Walked in and
talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made
the team.
Those who
didn't had to learn to deal
With disappointment.
Imagine
that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke
the law
Was unheard
of.
They actually
sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of
the best
Risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors
ever.

The past
50 years
Have been an explosion of innovation and
new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility,
and
we learned how to deal with it
all.

If YOU are one of
them?
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this
with others
who have had the luck to grow up as kids,
before the
lawyers
and the government regulated so much of our
lives
for our own
good .

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so
they will know
how brave and lucky their parents
were.

Kind of makes you want to
run through the house
with scissors, doesn't
it ?

The quote
of the
month is by Jay
Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of
control,
mud slides, flooding, severe
thunderstorms
tearing up the country from one end to
another,
and with the threat
of swine
flu
and terrorist
attacks.
Are we sure this is a
good time
to take God out of the Pledge of
Allegiance?'

For those that prefer to think that God is not
watching over us.. ..go ahead and delete
this.

For the
rest of
us...pass this
on.
A
Small Prayer!

God determines who walks into your life....it's
up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you
refuse to let go.

I need this back. If you'll do this for me, I'll
do it for you.

When there is nothing left but God,
that is when you find out that God is all you need. Take 60 seconds
and give this a shot! All you do is simply say the following small prayer
for the person who sent you this.

Father,
God bless my friend in whatever it is that You
know they may need this day!
And may their life be full of your peace,
prosperity, andpower
as he/she seeks to have a closer
relationship with you.
Amen.

Then send it on to five other people, including
the one who sent it to you Within hours you will have caused a multitude
of people to pray for other people. Then sit back and watch the power of
God work in your life.

P. S... Five is good, but more is
better.
IN GOD WE
TRUST