Don't ask Grandma in court...

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

BIKER JOKES PG 13

JOKES:  PG 13

Why Worry:

There are really only two things in life to worry about: either you are sick, or you are well.

If you are well, you have nothing to worry about.

If you are sick, there are only two things to worry about: either you get better, or you die.

If you get better, you have nothing to worry about.

If you die, you only have two things to worry about: either you will go to Heaven, or you will go to Hell.

If you go to Heaven, you have nothing to worry about.

If you go to Hell...you will be so busy catching up with old friends, you won't have time to worry!

The new employee!

Charlie, a newly retired employee at the local B&Q store, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10 or 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company, obviously epitomizing their 'Older Person Friendly' policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a chat.

"Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a great job, but your arriving a few minutes late so often is becoming quite a problem."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player and I like to hear that members of our team can recognize their shortcomings and tackle them. It does however seem odd to me that you come in late so very often when I know you recently retired from the armed forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They would say, 'Good morning Admiral, would you like some coffee now, sir?'."

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.  Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.. He agreed, but he didn't say much.. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Harley wouldn't start today, can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.. 

www.AlaskaPublishing.com  and    www.GuardDogBooks.com

OLD JOKES

JOKES:  PG 13
Parrot
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem:

The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Not the same hat!"
 "Flowers are under the table."
 "All the cards are the ace of spades"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

"OK, I give up. Where's the f****** ship?"

 

During a recent password audit, a company IT discovered a blond was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital.




 
 

David McClure from the Dallas News Community Opinion page.


$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK ! I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet, a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo! Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror!
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found!

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" but all I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake!" I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK! My grandfather does stuff like this all the time!"


All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast!

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home! 

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today..

The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced two years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been microwaved
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They don't know who Mork was or Mindy or where he was from..

They never heard: 'Where's the beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ', or 'de plane Boss, de plane'.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. 

www.GuardDogbooks.com and www.AlaskaPublishing.com

Cancer cures and 7 recipes in my book, Philosopher's Stone

Universal Prismatic MicroscopeConsisting of 5,682 parts and able to achieve resolutions of up to 100,000 diameters

Rife's inventions include a heterodyning ultraviolet microscope, a microdissector, and a micromanipulator. When you thoroughly understand Rife's achievements, you may well decide that he has the most gifted, versatile, scientific mind in human history.

By 1920, Rife had finished building the world's first virus microscope. By 1933, he had perfected that technology and had constructed the incredibly complex Universal Microscope, which had nearly 6,000 different parts and was capable of magnifying objects 60,000 times their normal size. With this incredible microscope, Rife became the first human being to actually see a live virus, and until quite recently, the Universal Microscope was the only one which was able view live viruses.

Modern electron microscopes instantly kill everything beneath them, viewing only the mummified remains and debris. What the Rife microscope can see is the bustling activity of living viruses as they change form to accommodate changes in environment, replicate rapidly in response to carcinogens, and transform normal cells into tumor cells.

But how was Rife able to accomplish this, in an age when electronics and medicine were still just evolving? Here are a few technical details to placate the skeptics...

Rife painstakingly identified the individual spectroscopic signature of each microbe, using a slit spectroscope attachment. Then, he slowly rotated block quartz prisms to focus light of a single wavelength upon the microorganism he was examining. This wavelength was selected because it resonated with the spectroscopic signature frequency of the microbe based on the now-established fact that every molecule oscillates at its own distinct frequency.

The atoms that come together to form a molecule are held together in that molecular configuration with a covalent energy bond which both emits and absorbs its own specific electromagnetic frequency. No two species of molecule have the same electromagnetic oscillations or energetic signature. Resonance amplifies light in the same way two ocean waves intensify each other when they merge together.

The result of using a resonant wavelength is that micro-organisms which are invisible in white light suddenly become visible in a brilliant flash of light when they are exposed to the color frequency that resonates with their own distinct spectroscopic signature. Rife was thus able to see these otherwise invisible organisms and watch them actively invading tissues cultures. Rife's discovery enabled him to view organisms that no one else could see with ordinary microscopes.

More than 75% of the organisms Rife could see with his Universal Microscope are only visible with ultra-violet light. But ultraviolet light is outside the range of human vision, it is 'invisible' to us. Rife's brilliance allowed him to overcome this limitation by heterodyning, a technique which became popular in early radio broadcasting. He illuminated the microbe (usually a virus or bacteria) with two different wavelengths of the same ultraviolet light frequency which resonated with the spectral signature of the microbe. These two wavelengths produced interference where they merged. This interference was, in effect, a third, longer wave which fell into the visible portion of the electromagnetic spectrum. This was how Rife made invisible microbes visible without killing them, a feat which today's electron microscopes cannot duplicate.
By this time, Rife was so far ahead of his colleagues of the 1930's(!), that they could not comprehend what he was doing without actually traveling to San Diego to Rife's laboratory to look through his Virus Microscope for themselves. And many did exactly that.
RIFE MACHINE
The Rife machine was a radio transmitter tuned to the frequency of virus and micoplama. Virus are like crystalline life forms. Like Ells Fitzgerald breaking the drinking glass with her amplified voice the rife machine emitted a frequency that would destroy virus and bacteria. In order to have live specimens to use to experiment on he kept them in a van parked outside on the street away from his laboratory. When the Rife transmitter was turned on he discovered that all his specimens would die. Each day he parked the van further away from the lab. Eventually the van had to be parked five blocks away from his lab in order to keep his specimens alive. All the time he was experimenting with his transmitter not one person in his lab ever got a cold.
By using his microscope that could observe live specimens down to 60,000 diameters he discovered the micro virus and mycoplasma that cause cancer. He could see the cancerous cells burst open releasing thousands of virus growing inside the cells. That was back in the 1930’s.
I built my own low power Rive Transmitter using modern transistors and use it once in a while to kill the parasites in my body. It is very low power and doesn’t hurt human cells. I believe it is more benign than a cell phone. It is estimated that a human being is composed of less than %50 human cells the rest are useful bacteria, virus and other microorganisms. The schematic diagram is in the book, THE CURE FOR ALL DISEASE.
The corporation that owned the patents on the electron microscope sued Royal Rife. They were afraid his microscope would put them out of business. The government’s FDA and other organizations in the business of collecting money for cancer research didn’t want anyone to actually cure cancer. It would put them out of work.
Mr. Rife, from Germany couldn’t understand English very well and put him in jail. Much like Tom Ogle, the inventor of the 100 mile per gallon carburetor (patent Number 4.177,779) Rife died at an early age under mysterious consequences..

Most of his equipment was taken to Mexico and New Zealand where his machines are still being used to cure cancer patients today.  www.GuardDogBooks.com