ADVICE FOR WOMEN...

Occasionally, we need to be reminded as to why God made us in the first place. Some answers appear below.

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." Babe Ruth "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." Lyndon B. Johnson "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Paul Horning "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." H. L. Mencken "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" George Bernard Shaw "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.! W. C. Fields Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser. Professor Irwin Corey To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! Leo Durocher One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: "Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Henry Kroll Author of ten books: COSMOLOGICAL ICE AGES, The Frog Is cooked, SADDAM HUSSEIN AND THE SAND PIRATES, Philosopher's Stone, SPACESHIPS OF THE GODS, DIE WITH THE MOST TOYS etc... 

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When you are over 60 you can say anything...

YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING WHEN YOUR OVER 60

When you are over sixty who gives a crap?

*******************

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, "Yesterday."

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "


When you're over sixty who gives a crap?

Do you like getting older???

The Question: DO YOU LIKE GETTING OLDER???


I am forwarding this to those on my Seniors email list because it is so well written. Please send back. ( I did ) It's neat. Don't delete this one, you'll laugh when you see the return message.

As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50, 60 & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!

Forward this to at least 7 people, and see what happens on your screen..

You will laugh your head off!!!!!!!!!!!

Never stand in line again...

Never Stand In Line Again

When former U.S. Military commander in Afghanistan, Stanley McChrystal, was called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting him in his political role as President.

"It's not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it's my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied and he handed Obama his resignation.

Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation the President made a cheap parting shot. "I bet when I die you'll be happy to piss on my grave."

The General saluted. "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I'd never stand in line again.